


Opportunities

by jaxx69



Category: Pet Shop Boys
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22898680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaxx69/pseuds/jaxx69
Summary: "Chris," I said. "I’m so done with this. I think I’ll have to start dating men."-But how do you date anyone, when you've never had a real date before, especially not with a man? Chris offers to give Neil a lesson in dating and takes him out. And this is where it all begins.
Relationships: Chris Lowe/Neil Tennant
Comments: 34
Kudos: 31





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not good with dates and timelines and stuff, but this story is set around 1990. So it is before THE Attitude interview. Neil says in this interview that he actually spent most of the 80s quite celibate, so it should sort of fit. At the moment I don't really know how long it's going to be, but I'm just having fun writing again!  
> I'd love to hear what you guys think. Sorry for the beginning, I know it is not the content you guys are looking for, but trust me - it will not happen again. Poor Sarah. 
> 
> On a side note: I am not a native speaker of English! So please don't be too hard on me if you detect some grammatical or semantic errors. I lived in England for a few years, but that still does not make me a native speaker. It is, apart from university papers, my first time writing a story in English.

"Oh, I so want you, Neil Tennant…“

She kept saying my full name. It was awfully annoying and she did it at every opportunity. It was like she wanted to remind herself all the time that she was in bed with Neil Tennant. I did not even know her first name. Possibly Sarah. 

I had picked her up in a bar, as usual. It was the first time in forever that I had actually gone out of the house again with the intention to have sex. I used to do it, well, quite a lot. And it was just a little bit too easy. So easy that I got bored doing the same thing again and again. And then there was this weird feeling - no matter how many women came to my house, no matter how good and how beautiful they were, I never felt satisfied. So I stopped doing it and lived quite a celibate life, because it was so frustrating. Something was missing and these women were not able to give that something to me, to satisfy my wishes and needs entirely, and I had not quite figured out who would actually be able to do so. 

I had an idea, but I just simply did not want it to be true. 

So when I picked up Sarah (or Emma?) I did it mainly to convince myself that the idea I had was stupid. That I just had not found the right woman yet. Sarah was not totally dull, she was pretty, had a big chest and long blonde hair and she was in a way very sexy. I took her home and things went their usual way - some talk, some wine, then I kissed her. Doing so I did not feel aroused. I was getting more and more annoyed with myself, while she was getting more and more turned on by the pure thought of having sex with Neil Tennant. 

I kissed her to make her shut up. With one hand I opened her bra (yes, I really can do that) and I looked at her breasts. I touched them. She moaned. And suddenly I realised that I would never, not for the sake of God, be able to have sex with her tonight. 

I stared at her breasts and she realised that something was going on. 

"Are you alright?“ she asked. 

"Yes, yes," I answered. I was still hoping that if I stared at her chest a bit more, something would happen in my trouser department. But nothing happened. 

She smiled at me in a seductive way. 

"Don’t worry," she breathed. "I can help you.“ She started to unzip my jeans very slowly. "Let me suck your cock, Neil Tennant," she then said. I did not react and let her get on with it. She slipped her hand into my jeans and I actually took my jeans off, even though the situation was hopeless and I knew it. I didn’t want it to be. What she was doing did not completely feel bad, but to be honest, it is not the most difficult thing in the world to make a man’s cock hard. It is impossible for a man under certain circumstances not to have an erection and I could feel that at least something was happening. I closed my eyes. She got off the bed, placed herself between my legs and started to suck my cock. It felt good. It felt bloody good. She knew exactly what she was doing. It felt so good that I reached down to her head and grabbed a handful of blonde hair and when I did that, it was like putting my hand in cold water. A total turn-off. I opened my eyes and looked down to her. And in that very second I knew that even if she was able to make me come, which is not super difficult, I would not find what I was looking for and I was not going to have sex with her. 

"Stop," I said. 

She didn’t stop. 

"Stop it," I said again, louder. 

She looked up. "Was it not good?"

"It was good," I said. "Look. I am very sorry. Bringing you here was not a good idea.“

"What is wrong?" she asked.

"It is hard to explain," I said. "But for now, I would like you to leave. Sorry. Honestly.“

She stared at me. Then she started quickly picking up her clothes and while she got dressed again, she gave me many very pissed looks.  
"I cannot believe this," she said. "Who do you think you are? What was this all about? Let me tell you what - you are one bloody arsehole.“ She put on her jumper and her jeans. "Do you do that kind of thing to women? Because it sucks.“

"I am very sorry, as I said before, but…“

"Oh shut up," she hissed. "Where the fuck is my… oh, there.“ She picked up her coat, put it on and stormed out the room. I followed her. I felt like a total idiot. 

"Thank you very much for ruining my evening," she shouted on her way to the door. "I hope your balls will shrivel until they look like old raisins and fall off. And you know what? Your music sucks, too!“

She opened the door.

"I really didn’t intend to hurt you," I said. "I really am sorry, Sarah!“

"IT’S ANNA!," she yelled angrily and slammed the door. Then she was gone. I felt relief and I also felt like the most stupid person in the whole world. What was I actually doing? Convince myself to be someone I simply was not? 

I went to the kitchen to investigate if there was more wine in the fridge and fortunately there was. I poured myself a glass of wine and took a sip. "Neil Tennant, you really are one stupid dumbass," I said to myself. 

"Yes, you're bloody damn right," someone answered and it made me jump so much that I almost spilled the wine all over the kitchen floor. It was Chris. 

"If you want to bring women here, fine," he said. "But make them leave QUIETLY, for fuck’s sake.“ 

Chris and I had been living together for quite a while. Originally we had agreed on moving in together as it was so much cheaper and more convenient, plus we had found a place with a basement big enough for a lot of our equipment, synthesisers, a piano, we could even record songs there. When it came to bringing people home, there were a few rules we both followed. One of them was that if the other one was sleeping, do never ever under any circumstances wake him up. 

"Good evening to you, too," I said and took another sip. He looked at me. It was not very difficult to tell that I was in a bad mood, he knew me too well. "There some more wine?“ He sounded tired. I nodded and got him a glass, poured some wine in. 

"So," he said. "What about that chick who just woke me up? No good?“

I sighed. I had talked to him before about some of the stuff that was going around in my head, but as I was still so uncertain about it myself and constantly in denial, there was nothing he could do. He had tried. He offered to take me out to the clubs where he usually hung out and I didn’t want to go. Every time I was disappointed after sex with a random woman he tried to comfort me, he'd listen to me going on about it for hours and hours. 

I took a deep breath. It was probably the wine speaking but I cleared my throat and then I looked at him. 

"Chris," I said. "I'm bloody done with this. I think I’ll have to start dating men.“

I did not really know what kind of reaction I expected but he almost choked on the wine. Then he gave me the biggest Told-You-So-grin ever imaginable.


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil is being interrogated and Chris has the best idea ever.

Chris usually is not a man of many words. After I told him I had decided that dating men could be the answer to my problem, he wanted to know everything about what had happened. I mean EVERYTHING. He wanted so many details about it that we had to open a second bottle of wine. 

"Wait, wait, wait," he said. "You told her to stop while giving head? How did you do that? You could have at least let her finish.“

"I just didn’t want to," I said. 

"It cannot be that different," he said, more to himself. "I mean, a mouth is a mouth, right? Hmm.“

"What?“

"Just wondering if a woman could actually make me come," he said. "Never tried it. But it cannot be that different, I guess.“ He nipped on his glass. He was clearly drunk by now.

"I don’t know," I said. 

"Right," he said. "So then she got all bitchy and, haha, you did not even remember her name right, did you!“ He snorted. "Sorry Neil, it is too funny.“

"Yes," I said. 

"Anyway," he said then and moved his chair a bit closer to mine. "Now. Tell me. What makes you think a man could be better?“

I looked at him startled. He looked at me with that cheeky smile I knew oh so well. I would have never denied that Chris Lowe was not an attractive man. He definitely was. I just never thought about it. I knew that he was gay since the day after we first met. We were at his place, he had shown me some of the music equipment he had back then and while we were talking, he got a phone call from someone named Michael who was clearly upset about something, then told him he was the biggest arsehole in the world and hung up. _Who on earth was that_ , I had asked him and he had just shrugged his shoulders and said _Some guy I fucked couple of times_. And that was that. It had never been a big thing. I was dating women (or I was trying), he was dating men (more successfully). And then he was my best friend and work colleague, two more reasons why I had never actually thought of him as an attractive man. 

"Neil," Chris said and poked my shoulder. "Hello?“

I blinked. "Sorry," I said. "What did you just ask?“

"Why do you think," he said very slowly, like he was talking to someone with the IQ of a loaf of bread, "you want to date a man?“

"Er…“ I stared into my glass but the answer was not in it. "It doesn't work with women, so that only leaves men, doesn't it."

"I guess you find men attractive," he said, still smiling. I felt my face getting hot. 

"I think so," I said. I was not ready for this conversation. 

"Come on, I’m curious," he said. "I’ve been waiting for this forever. Now you can finally talk about it.“  


"About… it?“

"Being gay," he said. 

"Oh, wow, I did not say that!“ This conversation was getting very uncomfortable. I looked away.

"OK," Chris said and smiled again. "I’ll make this easier for you. I start. Because this is all new for you. Unknown territory.“ He giggled. "I, for instance, don’t like men who are too feminine. It’s a thing, you know. Some will excessively emphasise their female side. Wear lipstick and make-up and things, wear high-heels or super tight jeans, handbags, God knows. I don’t like that. I like men for being men. Not only muscles, but a few. Don’t like beards, though.“ He filled up his glass again. "What do you find attractive in a man?“

I really did not know. So I just said "Huh. Eyes, I guess?“

Chris laughed. "You are so romantic," he said. "Well, I think you will find out soon enough. So, when you were with women in the past, did you imagine having sex with a man?“ He paused. "Do you actually know how it works?" he added then. 

I sat there being interrogated and I started to wish I had never said anything. "I did not," I said then. "I just have no idea, Chris, I just feel confused and helpless and you are not being helpful, you are just being a dick.“

He looked at me in an interesting way. He studied my face, then he put his hand loosely on mine. 

"I’m sorry," he said. "But this whole thing came a bit unexpected, really. What do you want to do?“ 

"I just want to try it," I said. "See what happens. If I actually like it. I…“ I stopped. I had realised how difficult it actually was to talk about this, even to him. Or maybe especially to him. He did not say anything and waited. I looked at our hands on the table. His on mine. Mine under his. Something about it made me feel… something. I didn’t know what it was. But looking at our hands touching in this new way was not a bad feeling. 

"OK," I finally continued. "I have looked at… you know. Men. Sometimes. In bars or wherever. And then there were moments… I just wondered sometimes… how it would feel to kiss a man. With a woman you are usually the one who holds her, because you are stronger. I was…“ My face was so hot by now that I was sure you could have made scrambled eggs on it. "I was… Goddammit. I was wondering how it feels when you are not the strong one. When there is someone with you who… has got strong arms and…“ I had no idea anymore what I was talking about. 

"Well," said Chris after a while. "I think I get your point.“ He was still very giggly. "So we better get you a date. Then you can find out.“ 

"I have never been on a date," I said without thinking about it, then regretted it immediately. 

"NO WAY.“ Second time this evening he almost choked. I nodded. "Oh my," he said. "Oh my. What am I going to do with you.“ 

"You know what," I said, "I’m going to bed for now. I am tired. This is all a bit much for one evening.“

"OK," he said and then, after a pause: "Hey, Neil, wait. You know you can talk to me about stuff, right? I mean anything. If you wanna know something, ask me.“ He smiled again cheekily. "I’m quite good at these things.“ Then he winked at me. I tried to figure out what he meant, but I was too tired and too embarrassed already, so I just went back to my bedroom, where my clothes were still scattered over the floor. I sat on my bed and thought about our conversation. I had never actually thought about what I could possibly find attractive in a man. Some, like Chris, I'd consider attractive, but not sexually attractive. I decided to perform a little experiment, for the purposes of study. I imagined Chris naked in front of me. Just to see how I would react. I had a good idea how he’d look because I had seen him several times coming out of the shower, with only a towel wrapped around his waist. I knew that the muscles on his chest and stomach were defined, not that he was going to the gym or anything, but he looked naturally athletic. No belly fat. My thoughts were drifting off as I started thinking about touching his chest. How would it be to touch a hairy chest? I had never paid enough attention to tell if he actually had hair anywhere, apart from his head. And what was about… Imaginative Chris was still wearing his towel. I let him remove it, slowly, very slowly… but I could not finish the thought. Some blockade in my head did not allow me to think about _this_ part of him. Or this part of any man. Would I actually be able to touch another man’s… I could not even think about the word in this context. 

A sudden sound got me back to reality. A knock on my door. 

"Chris?“

"Yeah.“

"Come in," I said. 

He opened the door. In one hand he had the bottle of wine, which was now empty. "I got it," he said with a slur. "I figured it out.“ He looked very pleased with himself. 

"You figured out what?“

"YOU," he said and pointed at me with one finger, "you are going to go on a date with ME.“ Now he pointed at himself.

"…What?" I said. 

"Look," he came over to me and sat next to me on my bed, a bit too close. "It’s ideal. We go out on a date. You never had a date with a man. I am a man. And I know how to have dates. If you go on a date with me, I can teach you how to have a date. With a man. And then you can date other people. If you want.“ He laughed. 

"Chris, I don’t… I don’t think this is a good idea," I said. 

"It is a friggin BRILLIANT idea," he said. "Or… am I not your type?“ He looked me in the eyes again. 

"I…," I started but he just laughed again and gave me a punch on the shoulder. "Just kiddin," he said. "You’re not my type either. Never had a thing for curly hair. So. I’m free Saturday evening. You?“

He would not stop. I knew him too well. He would keep coming back with this nonsense, so I could just say yes for the sake of making him go to bed.

"OK," I said. "Saturday it is. You pick the place.“

"Of course I will, idiot," he said. "You would not know where to go, would you.“ He patted my hand. "G’night, Neil," he said and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was not an unnormal thing, he did that sometimes. It had always felt like a friend giving his best friend a kiss on the cheek. But this time it felt different, like it meant something else. I did not know what it meant. 

"Chris," I said when he was almost out the door. He turned around. "Yeah?“ "One thing," I said. "I want you to pick me up at my place.“ I smirked. 

He looked a bit surprised first, then he smiled. "Everything for you, darling," he said, then he shut the door behind him.


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris takes Neil out on a date. But it's not a real one, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am thrilled that people are actually reading this. I really hope you like this story as much as I do while writing it!  
> The restaurant "The Picture Playhouse" by the way does actually exist. But it is neither posh nor fancy. It's a Wetherspoons in Bexhill-on-Sea in East Sussex. I love that place and I could actually imagine it being a posh place and that Chris and Neil would like it.  
> I have also realised that I packed the whole date into one massive chapter, so I have split it into two parts. Stay tuned for part 2! The night is still young.

Chris came up with his brilliant idea on Tuesday night. Wednesday passed by and nothing happened, he did not bring the topic up again and everything was back to normal. Which was nice, because when I woke up Wednesday morning I was not overly keen on talking about it again. When I met Chris in the kitchen, he acted like nothing had ever happened and I was quite grateful for it. 

Thursday was the same and I started wondering if he had forgotten about the whole thing. He had been very drunk, so it was possible. 

Then, Friday evening, he came into my room, a few hours after dinner. He asked me if I was still in. 

_Tell him that this is the most stupid idea ever and you should forget about it_ , I thought. But I did not want him to think of me as a coward. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted to go out with him. What could happen? We had been out together many times. 

"Sure I’m in," I said. "What about you?“

"I’m looking forward to it," he said. "I’ll pick you up at 6 pm tomorrow.“ 

"OK," I said, hoping to sound totally cool and relaxed. Later I went back to my imaginative world, in which I still tried to picture him completely naked, to find out what kind of feelings this picture would awake. But I still could not do it. When I fell asleep I had a strange and unsettling dream, which I could not remember in the morning. 

Around midday on Saturday Chris came into my room again. 

"Right," he said. "I want you to find some nice stuff to wear this evening, doesn’t need to be a suit, but make sure you look presentable, OK?“

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

"Rule number one: surprise the person you are going out with," he answered. "So, it is a surprise. Try to find something neither too posh, nor too casual. Make sure you get this birds nest on your head under control. And, for the sake of God, contact lenses.“ And he left again. 

I figured that I did not really have a chance now and I had to play along. I went through my complete wardrobe but I could not decide what to wear. Eventually I decided to wear a black pair of jeans and a plain black jumper, which I had worn before for several photo shootings. Black was always a good choice.  
I was just about to go to the bathroom to shower, when I heard him rattling with his keys. 

"What are you doing?" I yelled. 

"You asked me to pick you up, dumbass!," he yelled back. "I can’t pick you up without leaving the house first, can I!“ And he shut the door behind him. I was alone. It was four o’clock, so I still had two hours to kill. I went to the bathroom and took a long shower, then had a shave, put on aftershave. I combed my hair but I was not sure if that was what he meant with getting it under control. I tried to fix it with hairspray. After that, I put on the clothes I had already put aside. I went back to the bathroom and contemplated whether to put on some perfume or not. I didn’t. I put my glasses away and the contact lenses in and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked like always, and yet I did not. 

The time did not want to go past. I started getting so nervous that I had to take the shirt off again, otherwise it would have got drowned in sweat. So back to the bathroom, quick wash, more deodorant. 

At six o’clock I was ready. I sat in the kitchen waiting for something to happen. _Why am I even nervous,_ I thought. _It’s only Chris. Not a stranger. Not a real date even. And what the hell has he been doing for the last two hours?_

At five past I heard a car pulling into our driveway, then the sound of the door being shut. A minute later the doorbell rang. 

I didn’t know what to do. What if it was not Chris? But who should it be? But if it was him, why did he not just use his damn key?

I went and opened the door. 

Of course it was Chris. But he looked different than earlier and I could see that he’d also had a fresh shave. He wore pair of jeans, a white t-shirt and one of his black hoodies, a leather jacket, sunglasses and a black cap. He stood there leaning against the doorframe and I could not tell if he was looking at me or not. He looked _good_. It was strange to think that, because he had worn these things many times before. 

We stared at each other for a while as if it was our first meeting. He then took his glasses of and said, with a very soft voice: "Hi, Neil.“ He walked past me into our hallway and looked around. "Nice house.“

"What are you doing?" I said. 

"I’m pretending to be on a date with you," he snapped. "You have to take this seriously. Now get your coat - nope, not that one, the long black one - that’s it. I have booked a table for half past.“

_This is really happening,_ I thought while I put on my coat. 

"Rule number two," he said when I was done, "always be a gentlemen.“ He smiled at me and offered an arm, so I took it and he guided me to his car, which looked like it had been in the car wash. 

"Wow, you’ve been through some effort," I said, seriously impressed. 

"Sure," he said. "I don’t do things half-heartedly.“ 

"Hold on Chris, before we go," I said. "Does that mean it’s a _real_ date?“

He smiled and said: "Don’t worry about what this is. I’m going to show you what a normal date situation would be like. You can play along, learn, enjoy the evening, it does not matter. But, as I said, I don’t do half-hearted. If you go on a date with Chris Lowe, you get the full package.“ 

He winked again, then he opened the door at the passenger’s side for me. That was something he had never done before. I sat down, he shut the door and then sat down next to me on the driver’s seat like so many times before. But this time I felt incredibly nervous and I still didn’t know why. 

He had turned the radio on, but not very loud. We drove without speaking much for about fifteen minutes, then he turned right and onto a car park. When I got out the car, I immediately knew where we were.

"Oh my God, Chris," I just said. It was one of the most fancy restaurants in Chelsea, only had been open for a few months and you already had to wait weeks for a table. "How did you-“

"I have connections," he said. "Come on. We’re not just two random blokes, are we. We’re at least a little bit famous.“ 

I did not answer. Maybe we were, I _knew_ we were, but I still considered myself as a normal person, most of the time. Now I definitely felt like a celebrity. 

When we entered, a waiter immediately picked us up at the door and showed us our table, which was on the left hands side of the room, not too close to any other tables. In the middle of the table stood a single white candle, which the later lit when we sat down.

"May I get you some champagne, to start with?" he asked. "Yes please," Chris said and gave him his sweetest smile. The waiter disappeared. 

"I don’t drink champagne," I said. 

"Well, you do now," Chris answered. "So, what do you think?“ 

"This is amazing," I said, looking around in the room. The restaurant was inside a very old building, which had been empty for a long time before being turned into a restaurant. The tables and chairs were made from some dark polished wood. The light was dimmed, but not too much, so I could still see Chris very well. Soft piano music played in the background. I knew that the building had been a movie theatre in the past, hence the name of the restaurant: _The Old Picture Playhouse_. All over the wall I could spot photographs, printed on canvas, that showed the building in its past: the great halls where the movies had been shown, famous actors visiting it, people standing in a line outside. Some of the old props were also still there and used as decoration: some films, an old camera that stood in one corner and two of the original seats with a sign over them: _Original seats from 1941. Do not sit down._

I was in total awe. 

The waiter came back with the drinks and the menus and disappeared again. Chris raised his glass. 

"Cheers to you," he said. 

"Uhm, OK," I said awkwardly. I took a sip and decided it tasted like cat’s piss. Chris laughed when he saw my face. 

"You don’t have to actually drink it. What would you like to have instead?" he asked me, studying the menu. "They have an excellent wine assortment here.“ 

"I’ll let you pick something," I said. I was completely overwhelmed. 

"Another rule for you," he said, still reading the menu. "The time before you get your first drink is always awkward, because the waiter could come back any time. Just make smalltalk. Say something about the ambience or stuff. Or make the other person a compliment. Like this. I’m really glad you used your contact lenses. You’ve got beautiful eyes.“ He looked right at me when he said it and again I couldn’t tell if that was him joking around or him being serious. 

"Thanks," I said. I could not stop looking at him. We had known each other now for almost nine years, three of which we had been living together, we had spent so much time together and I had thought I knew him so well. Now I felt like not knowing him at all. 

He ordered our wine and some starters and I was more than relieved when the waiter brought our drinks. I didn’t even wait, I took the glass and drank half of it. The wine tasted sweet. 

"Steady, steady," Chris said. 

"Sorry. I am nervous.“

"Am I making you nervous?" he asked with a chuckle. It sounded like he found the thought of me being nervous due to his presence very flattering and amusing. I shrugged and looked away again. 

"So, Neil," he said. "Tell me something interesting about you.“ 

"What?“

"That’s what I WOULD say, if this was a date," he said. "So let’s pretend it is. Answer me. Pretend you don’t know me. What’d you say?“ 

"Uhm. So. I am Neil Tennant," I said. "I… am a musician.“

"Oh, cool," he said. "What kinda music?“ 

_He really takes this very serious_ , I thought. I took another sip from my glass. "Well, it’s mainly electronic, synthesisers, you know. And I sing.“

"You will have to sing for me once," Chris said and I just could not help it, I started laughing. Some of it was the wine, some of it was comic relief, but I laughed and could not stop anymore. 

"I am sorry," I said finally. "I really am trying to take this seriously.“ 

"It’s fine," Chris said. "This is why we are doing it. You will become a master at dating.“

Suddenly a thought came to my mind. If he could ask me everything he wanted, the same applied to me. So why didn’t I ask him something I actually never asked before?

"How many dates have you had?" I asked. 

"Phew.“ He looked up at the ceiling. "I honestly don’t really know. But a few.“ He giggled. "There was this one guy," he said and lowered his voice a bit, "he thought he was ever so posh. Picked me up with his cool car and stuff, told me about loads of celebrities he apparently knew and how much money he had, which was all bullshit. Anyway, he and I are in this car, outside his house, and we start making out. I was like 17 or so. Then suddenly someone comes up to the car, opens the door and yells at him: _I did not lend you the car so you can have sex on MY leather seats!_ Was his dad. Very pissed. He, the dad, then looks at me and says _sorry, mate_ , and sends his son into the house. I asked if he at least could give me a ride home and he actually did drive me to the nearest bus stop.“ He laughed.

"Can I ask you something personal?“ I asked. 

"Sure.“

"When was your… first time? With a man?“

He thought about it for a moment. "I think I was sixteen," he said then. "I’ve always known I like men. So when I was sixteen I went to this gay club in Blackpool. Oh boy. Don’t even know how I got in.“ The memory seemed to amuse him. "So I’m in this club and I don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing. I had a beer I think, thought it was cool to drink beer. Then this guy walks up to me, quite a bit older, maybe thirty. He asks me if it was my first time. I lied and said I had been there million times. So we talk and he buys me a drink and then asks me if I want to go next door. I have no idea what next door meant, so I say yes. Turns out next door is a darkroom. You know what that is?“ 

“I do not live on Mars" I replied. 

"Anyway," Chris continued, "we’re in this room. People around us are doing all sorts of things. He kissed me and I liked it, but I think he realised I had no idea. So he just gave me a blowjob. Blew me mind, literally.“ 

I tried to imagine him doing these things. I had never talked to him about his dates and experiences like that before, I knew a few things, but this now was a lot more intimate and detailed. A part of me felt slightly jealous, but I didn’t know why. Maybe because he always had been so sure about what he wanted. Another part of me also felt slightly aroused. Or maybe that was the wine.

"I saw him again," he went on, "he gave me his number and we met at his place. The second time we met, we had sex. And that was the first time.“ He smiled at me, then drank some more wine. 

I had to ask another question. I felt incredibly stupid asking it, like a teenager. "Did it hurt?“

"Let’s say, it’s not the most natural thing in the world and it takes a while until you can fully relax," Chris said. "It’s good when you have someone experienced who guides you a bit.“ I blushed. "Don’t worry," he added. "If it was that horrible, nobody would be gay anymore.“ He laughed again. 

We changed the topic while we ate our dinner and Chris ordered us some more wine. The food was amazing. It was easy sitting there together, not tense or awkward, just relaxed. If that was how a real date felt like, it was not so bad, but I had a feeling that it only felt that way because the man opposite me was Chris and not just anyone. But it was not the time for philosophising about all the ins and outs and, as people say, the night was still young.


	4. 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the date, which is still totally not real, for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand here's part 2 already. I'm dying to know what you guys think about it, so please let me know! <3

"How about a dessert?" Chris said, eyeing the menu again.

"I seriously can’t," I said. "Sorry. I’ve eaten too much already." 

"Well that’s a shame… Oh dear lord, sticky toffee pudding.“ He looked at me. "You sure? Last chance.“

I shook my head. When the waiter came, he ordered the pudding with two spoons. I had never actually shared a dessert with someone that way and when the waiter brought it, he put a spoon in front of each of us and smiled at us. I wished I could hide under the table for a moment. What was he thinking? Was he thinking that we were actually dating? 

"There you go," Chris said. "Oh dear. This is so good.“ He pushed the plate in my direction.

"Are you sure?" I asked. 

"Yeah. It’s no big deal," he answered. "If you are worried about the other people here - fuck’em. By the way, women do this kind of thing all the time. Why shouldn’t we? It does not mean that we are having a date.“ He put some more cake in his mouth, chewed, swallowed. "Although," he said then, "it is quite a date-y thing to do.“

I still wanted to hesitate. Then I tried to tell myself that eating a dessert from the same plate was absolutely nothing and if I really wanted to go on a real date with another man (because this was not a real date, right?), I maybe needed to do things like that. Wasn’t this test run my opportunity to try something new? 

When I tasted the cake I felt like drowning in rich, sticky, gooey wonderfulness. "Oh my God," I said. "That is seriously good.“ Chris just nodded. 

We finished the dessert and I was sure that I would never be able to eat again in my entire life. A look on my watch told me that it was almost 9 o’clock. 

"What are we going to do next?," I asked. There was still some wine in my glass and I did not feel like going home again already. 

"What would you like?" Chris asked. 

"What would you suggest, if this was a real date?“ 

"Well…," he leaned back in his chair. "I’d say we grab a drink in a club not far from here. It’s a cool place. No pressure. No darkrooms.“ He laughed.

"Is it a… is it a gay club?“

"No, no. It’s just a place where a lot of gay people go, because the atmosphere is good. Nobody gets judged. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t take you to a gay club, I don’t wanna scare you.“ 

"I’m not scared," I said, but that was not exactly true. I was actually relieved that he was not taking me to a place particularly for gay people. 

He waved at the waiter and then looked at me. "So, here’s a question for you," he said. "Who’s gonna pay the bill?“

I had not thought about that. "Uhm…," I said. 

"This is tricky," he said and he sounded like my maths teacher at school. "Now. The waiter will bring the bill and this is a very difficult moment. Most women want the man to pay. But there are no women here now. What I usually do is this: if I was the one who asked the other one out, like I did ask you, and if I had a nice time, then I will pay. And I will hope for a second date. Then, on the next date, the other one will pay. Or do whatever in return. If I did not really have a good time, I will ask for separate bills. If I offer to pay and the other one insists on paying for himself, you can also be quite sure that you will not hear from him again, either.“

I stared at Chris, amazed. There was so much more behind this whole dating business than I ever could have imagined, and he appeared to have a master's degree in it. 

"So…," I said, watching the waiter carefully, who was heading back to us. "Did you have a nice time?“

"Just watch ’n learn," Chris said - not a satisfying answer. 

When the waiter came, Chris gave him a mysterious hand sign and a smile. The waiter nodded and put the bill on Chris’s side of the table. "What…," I started but he made me shut up with another hand signal, which was not at all mysterious. So I did not say anything anymore and just watched him putting some pound notes into the little envelope the waiter had left on the table. Then he started putting his jacket on. 

"Yes," he said while doing so, "I had a very nice time.“ 

The way he said it sent a warm shiver down my spine. When we left the restaurant I realised I was actually excited to go to the next place. 

"Wait," I said back in the car park. "Should you be driving?“

"I only had two glasses of wine and it ain’t far," he said. "Plus I have eaten like 6000 calories, I can drive a few hundred yards.“ 

I watched him in the car. I don’t really know why I kept looking at him, it was like I was searching for something. The way he put his hand on the steering wheel and the other one on the clutch, it was all so familiar. _I am on a date_ , I thought, to see how the thought would feel, _with Chris Lowe. Who is looking very handsome today and who’s behaving like a gentleman._ Thinking it felt not too bad. 

After only five minutes he stopped again. The street where we parked didn’t look as posh anymore, but there were still a lot of people around, standing outside smoking, talking. Nobody took any notice of us. 

"The trick is," Chris said, "to park somewhere where you can leave the car. We’re going to get a taxi later and I’ll pick it up tomorrow.“ 

I still was amazed. He really had planned this through very well.

The light inside the club was blueish, but not too dark. People were standing around white plastic tables with their drinks, some were sitting at the counter, a few were on a little dance floor. I spotted a pink sofa in one corner with fluffy pillows on it. It looked comfortable. The people were between 20 and 40, I guessed, casually dressed, both men and women, some women wore cocktail dresses. The music that came out of the speakers sounded like David Bowie. 

"I like this," I said. 

"Do you want a drink?“

"Yes, please.“

And then something weird happened - Chris took my hand and headed to the counter. He let go of it again when we reached it and said, he did that so I wouldn’t get lost. I did not comment on that. 

Chris ordered two bottles of beer. While the guy behind the counter prepared our drinks, I looked around. The atmosphere really was very relaxed. I did spot a few men with haircuts I would describe as extraordinary, with piercings in their eyebrows and very tight shirts, and I watched them for a while. They were not showing any particular affection to each other, but the way they were gesticulating was without any doubts a bit camp. When one of them looked back at me I was so surprised that I didn’t even look away quick enough. 

"Chris," I said, tugging on his sleeve. "I think I’ve been staring at these guys.“

"And?“ Then he grinned. "You wanna talk to someone? Because I could arrange that.“

"No, no, no, I don’t want to talk to anyone," I quickly said. "Wait. Are they going to think now that I want to talk to them?“

Chris laughed. "They won’t come over here and rape you," he said. "Jesus Neil, relax. You can stare at people, they won’t all think immediately that you want to marry them. Look at them, with these haircuts and piercings. They want to be stared at.“ One of the guys turned round again and looked at Chris, who winked at him. The guy smirked and I thought that I really needed to figure out how this whole wink-thing worked. 

Chris handed me my drink, then raised his bottle. "Cheers," he said. 

"Cheers," I said and for a moment we just stood there, looking at each other. "I’m sorry," I said then. "I shouldn’t have thought this was a bad idea. It really is a fun evening so far.“

Chris looked flattered. "Glad to hear that," he said. "Right then. Let’s make the most of it.“ 

We spent another two hours at the club. I told him some more stories of my messed up attempts to start a relationship or at least an affair with a woman, which he found extremely hilarious. The time just raced past. Around a quarter to midnight Chris suggested to call a taxi and I agreed. 

In the taxi we did not talk much, but I decided to ask him later if we could go to that club again. I felt pleasantly drunk and warm inside and I had to admit that I had never felt like that when I had been out with a woman. When we arrived at our house, Chris asked me to leave the car first, then he discretely paid the driver. I still could hardly believe him being like this. I had always thought he was more the type who would just chat up someone, take him home for quick and meaningless sex and then say good-bye. I liked this new side of him and it made me feel very appreciated and flattered, which also was something completely new. 

I had already taken my key out when Chris caught up with me. 

"Put the keys away," he said strictly. 

"Why? It is chilly.“

"Christ," Chris said. "Listen. We’ve just been on a date. Under normal circumstances you’d be with someone now who does not live in the same house. So what would you do, before you go in?“ 

"…say that it was a nice evening?," I suggested. 

Chris rolled his eyes. "That is the _worst_ ," he said. "Nice is the equivalent of _the most fucked up night ever, please don’t ever call me again, you fruitcake_. OK. I will give you two options and then you can choose one. Here’s the first one. You say you had a great evening. You invite me in and offer me a hot drink. Second. You say that you had a nice evening and that you have to be up early in the morning. And that you will call me. Which you of course won’t do.“ He tilted his head a bit and waited. 

I wanted to tell him that this was silly, because it was also his house and obviously he would eventually come in. But then I thought about the evening again and asked myself, hypothetically, if I would like it to continue. Then I also thought about my time with the acting club at school. If he wanted to keep acting, I could do the same. 

"So," I said. "Thank you for taking me home. I hope you enjoyed this evening.“ 

"I did," said Chris with a coy smile. 

"Well, ehm… I don’t know if you drink tea, but if you do, then I could make us a cuppa tea. Or coffee, if you prefer that. But it is late and the caffeine would maybe…“

"Wowowow," he interrupted me. "You’re talking rubbish. Plus, there is also caffeine in tea.“

"I have decaf.“

Chris looked at me amiably. "You really are…," he said, but did not finish the sentence. 

"Chris, would you like to come in for a tea?“ I asked again. 

"I’d love that," he said and then he finally allowed me to unlock the door. He put his coat on a hook and then followed me to the kitchen. While I prepared the (decaf) tea, he watched me very carefully. 

"Don’t forget you dunno me," he said at some point. "Ask me if I want milk and sugar.“

I did as I was told, even though I knew that he had only a tiny bit of milk and no sugar in his tea. When the tea was ready, I asked him to follow me to the sofa and we sat down. I hold my mug with both hands, because I didn’t know what else to do with them. Or what to say. 

"So could you, after this whole thing, actually imagine to go out with a guy?“ he asked. I did not answer. I did not have an answer. I hoped he knew how much I had enjoyed the evening, but would it also work with a stranger?

"If that guy is you, yeah, I guess," I said without completely realising what I was saying. Chris remained silent for a while. Then he simply nodded. 

"Anyway, I’m glad we did this," I said to disturb the awkward silence and he looked immediately happier. 

"Me too," he said. "I really hope it will help you. I want you to be happy.“ 

"I am happy," I said and I meant it. In this very moment, sitting in our living room, drinking tea, I was really happy. For a second or two I thought about touching his hand like he touched mine the other evening. But I didn’t dare to do it. 

"So, as this was supposed to be a dating lesson," I said after a while, "what else do I need to know?“ 

He took a sip of his tea. "Most of it is spontaneous," he said. "I mean, when you are with someone, you will know after a while if you are comfortable or not. If you are, then do whatever feels right.“ 

"And what if I think that something could be the right thing and I don’t dare to do it?“

He laughed. "Then you’re in the shit," he said. "If the other person likes you too, they’ll notice and probably make the first move. Also, your clumsiness and inexperience is actually quite adorable.“ 

I felt my face heating up again. Since when did he think I was adorable? "You’ll figure it out," Chris added. "Mind you, I haven’t always been so confident. Getting to this point was a lot of hard work, heartaches, horrible dates with some bloody mental idiots… it is frustrating. Believe me. But if you finally find someone who is, y’know, special to you… than it’s worth it.“ 

I wanted to ask him, if he had found someone who was special to him, but for some reason I had the feeling that it was inappropriate or might even ruin the evening. And I did not want to do that. 

When I eventually yawned he looked at the clock and said: "Wow, it’s almost 2 am.“ 

"Well," I said. "Do you need a ride home?“ 

He laughed. "I’ll be fine," he said. "But I tell you what… let’s finish this properly. I’ve shown you appropriate places, told you how to pay in a restaurant, so now your last challenge - the parting.“ There was something bold in his voice. He got up and put his empty mug in the kitchen sink. "Thank you, Neil," he said. "I really had a lovely evening with you.“

I got up too and followed him back to the hallway, where he was putting his jacket back on. I guessed he was pretending to be a stranger again. He then turned to me and asked: "When will I see you again?“

My first impulse was to say _Tomorrow, idiot_ but I didn’t. "We could have dinner here next time," I said. "Maybe Monday evening?“ Wait. Was I asking him out on a second date? How did he make me do that?

Chris laughed approvingly. "Good," he said. "Not the next day but the day after. I’m proud of you. Good tactic.“ He then moved a step closer toward me. "So now the most difficult part.“ He had lowered his voice and all the silliness was gone within a split second. I could not look away. He looked me right in the eyes and I felt my heart skipping a beat or two. 

"What’s that," I said and it sounded strange, because my throat was completely dry. 

"You have to decide if you want to kiss me before I leave," said Chris. 

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it didn’t work. Was he even serious? Was he expecting me to burst in laughter, say _Good joke mate, almost believed you_ and walk away? I could neither move nor talk, my face was burning and adrenaline was rushing through my body. Then I looked at his lips. And at his eyes again. Lips. Eyes.

I don’t really know how things happened then. He put his hands on my waist, moved even closer to me, so close that I could feel the warmth of his body. He looked at my eyes again, searched for hesitance. Then he kissed me.

His lips were warm and soft and his hands on my waist were gently pushing me against him. After a few seconds he removed his lips from mine and I gasped for air. It was a good thing he was still holding on to me, otherwise I probably would have fainted. 

"Alright?" he asked quietly. He said it with a deep Northern accent and it sounded more like "Orayt?“ His accent always became more noticeable when he was tired or drunk. Or nervous.

I nodded. Then I leaned forward a bit and he understood and he kissed me again. It was still a very shy, almost chaste kiss, but it was enough to make me forget about all my doubts. Maybe it was the wine that made it happen, maybe it was the way he had treated me during the evening, this new side of him. Whatever it was, kissing him felt like the rightest thing I had ever done.  
After a while he stopped and looked at me, smiling. "Wow," he whispered. 

"Are you… going to stay now?" I asked. Oh, silly me. What was I thinking.

"God, no!“ He laughed. "You never ever stay over night after the first date.“ He took his jacket off and the magic of the moment was gone. And suddenly I feared that he was still acting and that I had taken it too serious. Was the kiss just part of this play? Not real, like our date was not a real date either?

He must have noticed that I was a bit confused and after taking his shoes off, he came back to me and put his hands on my shoulders. 

"Look," he said. "We can go back to being roommates again now and stop pretending I don’t live here. But that does not change the fact that I will not stay over night after a first date. Although… I liked this last bit.“ He softly touched my cheek and I instinctively turned my face toward his hand. Never in my life had someone touched me like this, with so much gentleness. 

"I’m looking forward to Monday," he said then. "I’m going to bed now.“ He took my hand and breathed a kiss on it. "Good night," he said and then he walked past me. A moment later I heard his bedroom door being shut. And I stood there in the hallway, my mind somewhere else, my hands slightly shaking, my mouth dry. 

He had been right. When you go on a date with Chris Lowe, you get the full package.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice part of it is basically a story version of "I want a lover"? Because I did not, until the chapter was already finished and THEN I actually looked at the lyrics of this song and thought "Oh, fits pretty damn well." Great minds think alike I guess :D


	5. 5.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil has asked Chris out for a second date, but he still doesn't know where the whole thing is going and if they really should be dating. And, as the second date is not supposed to be a lesson again, he is now left to his own devices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am soooo happy about all the lovely comments I got. I don't really care how many people are going to read this, but to hear from only a few of you that you enjoyed it - THANK YOU. <3  
> I could have uploaded this a lot earlier but I keep editing it. I'm so excided to hear what you think about it!

For a moment I was considering to storm into his room and ask him what the hell had just happened. But I did not. I waited a while until I felt a bit less shaky, then I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face with cold water. When I looked in the mirror, I was almost surprised to see nobody else but me. Like when you are a teenager and you had your first kiss and you think it has turned you into a complete new person. 

I did not sleep a lot and when I woke up, I was sure that I would never find the courage to actually get up and leave my room. But when the craving for a cup of coffee became too strong, I tried to put on a normal face and went downstairs to the kitchen. 

I hoped to be the first one there, but I was not. When I saw Chris I remained rooted to the spot. He looked up and smiled when he saw me. 

"Morning," he said. He sounded normal. 

"Morning," I said as well. "Ehm. Have you made coffee?“ 

"Yup.“ He got up, got my mug out of the shelf and poured some coffee in for me. Then he added some milk and one piece of sugar. 

"Did you sleep well?“ he asked. 

"Yeah, I guess," I said. I sipped my coffee and it filled me up with life. Coffee is magical. "Look, Chris, I gotta ask you something.“

"Sure," he said. 

"Yesterday evening," I said, trying very hard not to stutter, "I mean… you’ve been pretending all the time we don’t know each other. So… when you…“ I could not get the words out of my mouth.

"When I kissed you," Chris said calmly. 

I nodded. "Yes. Was that… was that you? Or did you do that because it was part of playing your character?“ 

Chris put his coffee on the table, got up and walked over to me. "I hope you don’t mind it was me," he said then. I managed to smile a little. 

"Do you still want to do this second date tomorrow?," he asked. 

"Will that be a _real_ one? Because yesterday wasn't real… was it?“ 

"Well, would you like it to be a real one?“ 

I had feared this question. A part of me wanted it to be a real one and another part of me thought that it was a ridiculous idea. Who would date his best friend slash musical partner slash roommate? 

"I’d rather go on a date with you than with anybody else," I said eventually.

"Good," he said. "I would suggest that we treat each other just as usual and then we will just see how tomorrow goes. Shall we?“ 

"Ehm, OK," I said. "I just don’t want things to be awkward now.“ 

"Nothing is awkward," he said. "We’re still the same people. And to be honest, when I suggested this whole thing, I did not expect the evening to end like this, I didn’t even expect I would enjoy it as much as I did. But now it happened. I gotta go and pick up the car now and get some stuff done, I’ll see you later, darling.“ He then kissed me on the cheek and left the kitchen.  
As I said, him kissing me on the cheek and also him calling me darling was nothing new or unusual. But the shiver it sent down my spine, that was new. Because all I could think about now was how his lips had felt on my lips. 

I didn't know what he was doing, but I decided to take all these emotions and make the best of the situation. I went to our little studio in the basement and started writing. That is what I have always done to get myself, my emotions and my life back under control. Write about it. Get it out of my head and ban it onto a piece of paper. 

I spent quite a long time making notes and I even tried to come up with a melody, but I realised that I needed Chris for that. It worked best when we both worked on something together and shared our ideas. But writing made me feel a lot better and around six I returned to my room, where I stayed most of the evening. We wouldn’t normally have dinner together on a regular basis anyway, so nothing had actually changed. One of our rules was that if one decided to shut the door behind him, the other one was not to investigate. We both liked our time alone and our privacy, so when we moved in together, we came up with a handful of rules to make it work. 

I tried to make a plan for the next evening. Chris had been through a lot of effort the day before and he had also paid for our dinner, drinks and the taxi, so whatever I’d do had to be equally amazing. I started writing a shopping list, once I had decided what I was going to cook (believe it or not, I enjoy cooking a lot, mainly because I like food so much). Then I thought about what to do if he kissed me again. The last thing I wanted was things to become awkward. I did not want to mess with our friendship or our career. So maybe the second date was a good opportunity to find out what he wanted? Or not? Maybe it was still too early to want anything anyway. I just knew that I felt something the night before and I wanted to feel it again. 

On Monday morning I left early to get everything I needed for the evening. I would make a lasagna, because I knew it was one of his favourites. I also put a bottle of wine in my shopping basket, thought about it again and then added a second one. Just in case. I knew that we had a candlestick somewhere, so I bought a candle as well. 

When I got back home, I could hear that Chris was in the shower and the picture of him wearing nothing but a towel flashed back into my mind. But I still wasn’t able to undress imaginative Chris.

I started cleaning the kitchen and the dining area instead. I didn’t know if I should tell him to stay out, so it would be a surprise for him, or ask him to leave again. But wasn’t that silly? I cleaned and tidied up for more than an hour. Then I went upstairs, showered, put the contact lenses back in and tried to find some decent clothes. I picked a pair of jeans and a white shirt. For five minutes or more I stood in front of my mirror and could not decide whether to open the first button or the first and the second button, or none of them. It was hopeless. In the end I opened the first button. I felt weird walking around all dressed up but wearing only socks, so I put on a good pair of shoes, too. Then I took it all off again, put on some casual things, went over to Chris’s room and knocked on his door.

"Yeah?“

"It’s me," I said without opening the door. "I just wanted to say, uhm, I’ll pick you up at six again, if that’s OK?“

Instead of answering, he opened the door. I could smell a scent of his shampoo, his hair was still slightly wet. 

"You mean you pick me up at me room?“ he said. 

"Yes.“ 

Chris chuckled. "Yeah, OK. Cool.“ 

"I’ll be downstairs now, so… don’t come downstairs," I said. 

"Fine.“ 

"Fine," I repeated and then quickly I added "OK, see you at six“ and shut the door. 

While I was working in the kitchen I allowed my thoughts to wander a bit. I could not deny that his touch and his kiss had done a lot more to me than any touch or kiss ever before. Had it done something to him, too? Wow, he had said. I could still hear it when I thought about it. Was that a good thing? It wasn’t a bad thing, right?

At quarter to six I was ready. The lasagna would still be sitting in the oven peacefully for a while, so we would have time to open the first bottle of wine, maybe talk a bit. I went upstairs and put on the clothes I had chosen, then I drank half a glass of water because I could feel my throat getting all dry again. The last thing I needed was a husky voice. 

I waited until five past six, just as he had done it on Saturday. Then I went to his room, my heart about to burst out of my chest, my mouth dry. And my face probably as red as a ripe tomato. What a silly situation, to pick someone up for a date who lives in the same house. I knocked on the door. 

He opened and he had a big smile on his face. I couldn't help but smile, too. Again he looked just bloody handsome, I could not think of another word. No sunglasses and no hat this time, but a good pair of jeans and, like me, a shirt, but a black one. He had opened the first, second and third button. 

"Hi," he said. "Good to see you.“ And he kissed me on the cheek again, but it was already very close to my mouth and it was a lot more soft and sensual then all the other times he had done that in the past. 

Do whatever feels right, he had said. I took his hand. It felt not wrong. 

"Come on," I said and we walked downstairs together, hand in hand. When he saw the kitchen, possibly cleaner than ever, a fresh and ironed table cloth on our dining table, the candle, dimmed light, soft music playing in the background, he looked at me wide-eyed. 

"Wow," he said. "Damn, wow. I didn’t know our dining area could look so posh.“ 

"You’ve done such a good job the other day," I said, "I hope this is OK.“ 

"It is amazing," he said. Then he looked at the bottle of wine on the table. "Shall we…?“

I opened the bottle, filled up our glasses and this time I was the one who raised his glass. "To another great evening," I said. 

"So, what are we having for dinner?“

"Lasagna. Thought you might like that.“

"Oh, splendid," Chris said. "I really am impressed, Neil, honestly. And that after only one lesson in dating.“ 

"I thought this was not going to be a lesson again," I said and I really hoped I didn’t sound too harsh. 

"This is going to be dinner," Chris said. "You know what the best thing is? Neither of us has to worry about driving home later.“ 

"Maybe we are pioneers," I said. "First you move in together, then you start dating.“

Chris laughed. "I guess so.“ 

"Dating," I said, "we basically invented it.“ 

He looked at me and his face was full of happiness. We had known each other for a long time now and still, this expression was something I had never seen before. Not even when our first record finally found its way into the music stores and when we stood there, in total awe, looking at something we had made. And people came to buy it. It made us feel very humble, but this now was a whole new level of happiness in his eyes. 

When we started eating, he made me a lot of compliments about the lasagna. "I knew you were good at this," he said, "but blimey, this is seriously bloody awesome.“ 

"It’s my secret recipe," I said. "The secret is that you let the sauce cook for at least two hours. And you throw some vegetables in as well, apart from the ground beef. There are carrots in there, onions, eggplant… oh, and courgettes.“ 

"So good," he said again with a mouth full of lasagna. 

I found that the atmosphere was a lot more relaxed than on Saturday in the restaurant and it felt very comfortable. 

"You been writing stuff yesterday, haven’t you?" he asked at some point. "Any good?“

"I don’t know yet," I answered. "I’ll show you later. I need you on the piano or the keyboard.“ 

"You do indeed," Chris agreed. "We’re pretty damn good together, aren't we Neil.“ He took a sip of wine. I didn’t know if he meant that we were good together because we had come up with a few great songs, or if he meant in general. There was still so much I didn't know. 

When we finished eating, I got up before he could even think about doing it himself and put our plates and cutlery in the dishwasher. 

"Do you want some dessert?," I asked. Chris looked at me, then he got up from his chair and leaned against the kitchen counter next to me. "No need to hurry," he said. "First, let me just say that I am really, really flattered you did this for me.“ 

I blushed. "It’s nothing," I said quietly. "I’m glad you like it.“ 

"I really don’t want this to be another dating lesson, but…“ He stepped forward and was now very close to me. "There’s just one thing. These here…“ And before I realised what was happening, he had opened the second button on my shirt. "They’re supposed to be open.“ He opened the third one as well and then touched my skin, very briefly. It could have been accidental, but I doubted that it was. He looked very pleased with the result and I felt goosebumps all over my arms. 

I cleared my throat. "Alright," I said. 

He smiled. "So. Did you say something about dessert?“ 

For dessert we ate strawberries which I had coated in liquid chocolate. I knew that he loved everything with chocolate on it and when he saw the strawberries, his eyes almost popped out.

"You are a genius," he said. 

"I got quite a few of these," I said. "We can have some now and some more later.“ He seemed to like the idea and when we finally left the dining table with our wine glasses, he put some more strawberries on a plate and put it on the little table in front of our sofa. 

"That was amazing," he said. "Thank you.“ 

"My pleasure.“ I smiled. 

"Have you got anything else planned?“ 

"Not really," I said. "Why, do you want to do anything?“ 

"Would you like to go for a walk?“

" _Now?_ “

"Sure," he said. 

I wasn’t sure why he wanted to go out, but I agreed. I put on the same long coat I had been wearing on Saturday and he went for his leather jacket again. We left our house and walked down the street.

"I like walking around in the evening," Chris said after a while. "It is so calm and peaceful.“

"I didn’t know that.“

"You do now.“ He looked at me and when I looked back he smiled. "Are you cold?" he asked. "Your coat is still open.“

I said that I wasn’t feeling cold. 

We kept walking for a while without saying anything. Nobody else was out, we were alone. It felt very intimate walking next to Chris and every now and then I looked over to him to see if he was looking at me, or just to look at him again and at his lips. 

At the end of our street he stopped. "You’re shivering," he noted. 

"I am not.“

"You are.“ He tugged at my coat, which I still hadn’t buttoned up. "Sure you’re not cold?“

I shook my head. "Good," he whispered. Then he slipped his hands under my coat, pulled me against him and kissed me. 

It was a lot more demanding than on Saturday and it came so unexpected that it almost knocked me off my feet. I opened my mouth. When he touched my tongue with his, I felt that I had to hold on to something, otherwise I would just fall over. So I put my hands on his shoulders and buried my fingers in the fabric of his jacket. After a while I had to pause to catch my breath.

When I looked into his eyes, I saw something entirely new. Longing. For me. Seeing that made me want to kiss him again so badly that I just pressed my lips on his and I heard him moan softly.  
What made me eventually pull back was the sound of someone walking up the street behind us. It took me a while to calm my breath down again. 

"Let’s go back home," I suggested and he agreed. This time we walked hand in hand, all the way to our house. 

Once inside I waited for him to take his jacket and shoes off, my heart was still beating a lot faster than it was supposed to. 

"So… what happens now?" I asked once he had put his shoes away.

"Well," Chris said. My question seemed to amuse him. "Do you have anything in mind?“

"No, I’m just asking," I said. "Study purposes.“ 

"Oh, yeah," he said and put his arms around my waist. "Sure.“ He breathed a kiss on my neck and I melted in his arms. Also I could feel my jeans becoming a lot more tight by now and the fabric was getting awfully irritating. I don’t know if he felt it, too. He must feel it. 

"Well, to answer your question," he said, still kissing my neck, "I’m going to bed. My bed. And you go to yours.“ He stopped and looked at me. "Patience is the key.“ I think he could see in my face that I had not expected that. "Honestly," he said. "How many times do you think I went too far, too fast. It never ends well. I can’t…“ He stopped and looked away. 

"Chris, you alright?" I asked. 

"Yeah, yeah. I just know how fast things can go wrong. This was a lovely evening again and I promise, I am not only saying that so you pass your final exam in date studies. But I don’t want to ruin everything now and make this mistake again, not with you.“ 

"It’s fine," I said. "I am a bit overwhelmed with the situation, I guess.“ 

He nodded. "Let’s go to bed," he said and then added: "Are you OK?“

"Yes, fine," I said. 

"Good. I was worried I already went too far.“ Then he looked at my crotch and smirked. "But I think I did not.“ He took my hand again. "I’ll drop you off at your place," he said and I just had to smile. 

We went upstairs and when we stopped outside my room, he pulled me closer to him and we kissed again. For a short moment he put his hand on my head and grabbed a handful of hair, pushing my head even closer against his. Then, abruptly, he stopped. "Sleep well," he said hastily, turned round and disappeared in his room. I entered my room and lay down on the bed. _Fuck_ , I thought. _Fuck_. 

I closed my eyes and imaginative Chris appeared again, still wearing his towel. The wine made it a lot easier to imagine things to happen now and I let imaginative Chris kiss me again, I let him open my shirt and kiss my chest. 

I unzipped my jeans. With my eyes still closed I tried to imagine that it was him undoing the zip and sliding his hand in. I gritted my teeth when I touched my hard cock. It would not take long to make me come right now. For a second I wondered if Chris was doing the same thing at the other end of the corridor and imagined him touching himself. It sent waves of arousal through my body, because that would mean he had got turned on because of _me_ … was that actually possible?

I imagined him kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt and with these thoughts on my mind, I could not hold it back any longer and I came. I came harder than I had done in a long time. After recovering I got up, washed my hands, brushed my teeth, put the jeans in the laundry basket and went to bed. Falling asleep was not too difficult now and the last thing I thought about was again how good his hands had felt on my body.


	6. 6.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What could actually be more romantic than getting take-away dinner after a busy day? Plus, after the third date (if the first one counts) Neil has the feeling that another kiss could lead to something else...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to everyone who has read this story so far and left a comment or kudo. <3 I'm having so much fun writing this anyway, but to know that you guys enjoyed it really means so much. I hope you like this part - there will be two more coming, I'm just currently editing it a lot!  
> Enjoy ;)

The next day was full with appointments so we didn't have any time to talk about the events of the evening before. I got up, showered and drank a cup of coffee, while I heard Chris walking around upstairs. One of the best things about our house was the fact that it had two bathrooms. It had been one of our highest priorities when we moved in together and it was always a blessing when we had to get ready at the same time. 

At quarter to eight I shouted up to him that we were running late and a minute later he hurried down the stairs, also a cup of coffee in his hands, wearing his usual cap, a pair of sunglasses and leather jacket.

"Sorry," he mumbled while he put his shoes on. "Right, got everything?"

“Yes.“

"OK, let’s go," he said and I followed him to his car. "I am not in the mood for this interview," he added while unlocking it. 

"You can just sit there and let me talk," I said. "Just be there and look cool and mysterious, as you do." 

He laughed sarcastically. "I’d love to. But it’s a radio interview, so if I don’t talk, nobody will know that I am there. Mind you, maybe that’d be good." 

He did not remove his glasses in the car and we hardly spoke. I assumed that talking about last evening now would have been very unprofessional, as we were just on our way to a work-related appointment. So I did not say anything, apart from a few unimportant things about the radio channel where we were heading to. 

The interview itself took only about twenty minutes. It was about our last album and some upcoming concerts, musical influences and where we would see ourselves in five years. Normal questions. But we had to wait over an hour before we actually started and then we had to stick around after the actual interview and talk to someone from the channel, give him an autograph for his daughter, then pose for a photo. 

After the interview we met our manager and someone from the record company for lunch. This meeting also took a lot longer than we expected it, but that is how it always goes. We had a TV appearance coming up too, so there was a lot to discuss. And when we thought it was almost over, the record company guy suggested to drive to the studio right now and look at some of our latest stuff, have a casual session and maybe come up with some good ideas. So we did that. It’s not that we didn’t enjoy doing it. But on that very day both of us were a bit tense and not completely engaged in our work with our hearts and souls. Nobody seemed to notice, though. The longer we were there, the more I wanted to leave and just be at home. Be alone with Chris. I wanted to know what would happen. I had the feeling that _something_ was about to happen. 

When we finally left the studio, it was already after 8 pm. We sat down in the car and Chris leaned back in the seat, his eyes closed. 

"Oh man," he said. "I’m shattered." 

So was I. "Hey, do you want to go get some take-away somewhere?," I said, because I was also awfully hungry.

He opened his eyes. "Brilliant idea."

"Pizza?"

"Yes, please."

So we drove to a place not far from our house, picked up two large pizzas and finally drove home. Chris said that he would just go and get changed into something more comfortable, so I just got some plates out and tried to make our take-away dinner look a bit more inviting. I thought about getting some wine too, there was still some left from the night before. But I decided to wait and see in what kind of a mood Chris was. When he reappeared he looked a lot less stressed already. 

"Oh, that looks nice," he said, pointing at the table. "I’m bloody starving."

"Do you want a drink?"

"I’ll have a beer," he said and before I could do anything, he had got up and got it out of the fridge himself. "Want one?," he asked and I said yes. 

"You seemed a bit distracted earlier," Chris pointed out after a while. 

"Was I?"

"Yeah, just a bit. I was wondering if that had anything to do with yesterday." He observed me very carefully. 

"It’s possible," I said. "You might have left an impression."

He smirked. "Have I, really." 

"I know I didn’t even want to start this whole date thing in the first place," I said. "But for the first time in my life I actually enjoyed being with someone. Which is weird, because we’ve been out before like a million times. I’m not really used to this, which is possibly why the last bit… ehm, _impressed_ me." 

He chuckled. "Yeah, I could see that," he said. "Well, I enjoyed it too. I thought I would really only take you on a mock-date and, y’know, see where it goes. I did not plan any of this. I really, really enjoyed it."

"So don’t you think this is a bit dangerous?" I asked. "Given that we live together and everything."

"I don’t think so," he answered. "If we stay open and honest with each other, it should be fine." 

I nodded. Chris put his plate in the dishwasher and the empty pizza box in the bin. "I’ll go watch the news," he said. "Wanna come?" 

"Sure," I said. 

He sat down on the sofa and turned the TV on. Suddenly I felt really helpless. Should I sit next to him? How close? I sat down with quite a lot of space between us, which he noticed, but he did not say anything. I watched him. He sat there in a very relaxed way, leaning back, one arm on the backrest and his legs spread. I, on the other hand, sat there with crossed legs, clinging onto my drink. 

He let me suffer for quite a while, then he said: "You don’t have to sit miles away from me, you know." 

"Oh, I… I know," I said. 

He smiled at me. "That’s alright then." 

Was that an invitation? I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I could not concentrate on the TV programme either, unlike him, who seemed quite interested in it and commented on it from time to time. When it came to the weather forecast, he emptied his bottle and put it on the table. Then he moved a bit closer to me. 

"Are you scared?" he asked. 

"What should I be scared of?"

"You may be scared that something could happen," he said. "Or… do you want something to happen?"

I felt another lump building up in my throat. "I… I don’t have a clue what to do," I said finally. 

"You don’t have to do anything," Chris said. "And if I do something you don’t like, you just tell me. OK?"

"OK." It was hardly audible. 

Chris put his hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes, then he leaned forward and kissed me and it felt like a relief. I realised how much I had wanted this to happen again, so I closed my eyes and just surrendered to my feelings. His kiss was very gentle and a bit shy at first, but it did not take long until it became more urging. Without removing his lips from mine, his hand slit under my t-shirt and the feeling of his hands on my skin made me shiver. I still did not really know what to do with my own hands, but it didn’t seem to matter to him.  
Very slowly he started to pull on my t-shirt and I understood what he was trying to do. I took my shirt off. Chris looked at my naked chest, then into my eyes again, looking for reassurance. I felt vulnerable in this moment, even though he had seen me topless many times before. He let his hands wander over my chest and back, then he started kissing my neck and collarbone. I shut my eyes and when his tongue touched one of my nipples, I moaned. 

Chris looked up. "Would you like to go upstairs?" 

I could only nod. He took my hand and led me upstairs and into his bedroom. We sat down on the bed and before I even had a chance to become nervous again, he kissed me and it was that kind of kiss that would inevitably lead to something else. 

He stopped and took his own shirt off and for a few seconds we just looked at each other, breathing heavily. 

"You sure you wanna do this?" he asked. 

Instead of answering I put my hand on his chest and run it slowly over his skin. He had very soft skin and it felt good to touch him. For the first time in years (in my life, really) I finally had the desire to touch someone. I moved my hand over his whole upper body and every now and then, when I touched a sensitive spot, I could tell - his lips would twitch, his breathing would become slightly faster. 

"Lie down," Chris said after a while and I did. He rested one hand on each side of my head and pulled himself on top of me. Feeling his body weight on me was almost more than I could take and without thinking about it, I put my hands on his back and pushed him against me.

"Just say stop if you don’t like it," he said and I thought it was very sweet that he kept asking me if I really wanted to do all this. I nodded. He kissed me, hard and urging, but then he sat up and started to open my belt. I tried not to think too much about what was going to happen. It was not anything I had not done before - many women had done the same thing before, poor Sarah (or whatever) only a week ago. And yet it felt like it was the first time. 

Chris took my jeans and underwear off and placed himself between my legs. I took a deep breath. Chris gently stroked the insides of my legs and then he leaned forward and kissed my stomach. I felt like I was going to explode and really feared for a moment that I was going to come without him actually doing anything. I groaned loudly.

He stopped again and I opened my eyes. There was something in his hand and I guessed that it was a condom. He opened it with his teeth.

"Makes it less messy," he said with an apologising smile when he noticed that I was watching. "Do you want to do it yourself or shall I…"

"I’ll do it," I said. Mainly because I was not sure what was going to happen if he did it. So I put the condom on quickly, then lay back down again. 

Chris continued kissing my stomach and my legs and I felt my body getting more and more tense, my legs were trembling. 

When I was sure I would not be able to stand this any longer, he finally put one of his hands on my cock and I almost screamed. Then he put his mouth around it and it made me moan even louder than before. With one hand he reached for my hand and found it. I squeezed his hand so hard that it possibly hurt him, but I could not think straight. He sucked me horrendously slowly and I was sure that if he’d only do it a bit faster, I would die. 

After a while, when I was so close to orgasm that I could hardly cope, he added some pressure and with his free hand he reached under my testicles. I had no idea what he was doing but it was driving me nuts. 

"Chris," I uttered, I did not mean to, the word just slipped out of my mouth. He started moving his head faster backwards and forwards and I could feel my whole body stiffen up. When I came my toes curled, my whole body was shaking and the noise that came out of my mouth did not even sound slightly human. When the last wave of my orgasm had died down, I started laughing. I just could not help it. 

Chris lay down next to me, also quite out of breath. I could not say or do anything, I felt completely shattered. When I eventually opened my eyes I looked down on him and I could see that he had an erection, too. 

"Do you want me to…," I said, but he interrupted me.

"Do _you_ want to?," he asked. 

"I’ve never done this before," I said. 

"You cannot do anything wrong, really."

I looked at him for a moment and I knew that I wanted it. 

"I want to," I said. It was not much more than a whisper. 

"Alright," he whispered back. He sat up and took his remaining clothes off, then discretely put a condom on. I could feel myself getting nervous again. This was the moment I had feared the most. So many times I had tried to undress him in my imagination and I had failed every single time. Even now I was still a bit afraid to look. I wanted to touch him but I was still worried I might find it uncomfortable. 

Chris lay back down next to me. "You don’t have to use your mouth," he said and I started to seriously wonder if he could read my mind. I nodded. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me again and I could feel his erection against my legs. I ran my hand down his spine, over his hips and legs. When I first touched his hard cock it felt not bad at all. I turned my head away from him and buried my face between his neck and shoulders. Kissing him and doing anything else at the same time did not work. Slowly I let my hand slide over his cock. It most definitely did not turn me off. Chris moaned softly. I squeezed a bit harder and looked at him. He had shut his eyes, like me before, his mouth was slightly opened. 

I moved my hand in a way I would do it to get myself off and continued watching him. His breathing became faster. Seeing him in this state suddenly made me feel extremely powerful. I could see that he was close to his climax and it was me getting him there. I used my thumb to play around with his glans a bit, something I quite enjoyed myself. It was not a strange feeling at all. I had been so afraid about how I would react to touching him, or any man, and now it just felt so natural. 

"Oh God," he said all of a sudden. "Oh God, oh fuck…" 

He gritted his teeth, groaned, and then he came. I was almost surprised that I actually had been able to make him come.

""Wooooooow…," he uttered, trying to calm himself down. I rested my head on the pillow and waited for him to recover. Then he opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Damn," he said. 

I smiled. I felt kind of proud and like a teenager. 

"Are you OK?" he asked after a while. 

"Hell, yeah." 

Chris laughed. "Good."

"So…," I said, "is that how it works? Two dates and then…?"

"It’s like an unwritten rule," Chris answered. "Third date means sex, if both actually want it." 

"So we’ve broken the rule. Unless the first date counts as a real date."

"I guess it might have been a tiny bit real." For a while he studied my face curiously. "Neil, I _have_ to ask you this," he said. "Did it feel right to you? I mean, I know what I like and what I want. But was this what you were expecting from being with another guy?"

"I wasn’t expecting anything," I answered. "But I just knew, I think since yesterday evening, that I wanted this to happen. And I mean, blimey, I thought I was going to die or go blind or so. Nobody’s ever done that to me before. It’s like a revelation." 

He smiled and also looked quite pleased with himself. 

"Would you mind if I go and brush my teeth?" I asked.

"No, sure. I’ll do that, too."

I picked up my shirt from the ground and put it on. I did not want to walk around fully naked. When I was in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror again. Still the same person. But for the first time everything seemed to make perfect sense. Chris and I - it made sense. Sex made sense. At least in this very moment. After a quick wash I put on some boxer shorts and a t-shirt and returned to his bedroom. Chris was still naked. He moved over to one side of the bed when I came in. 

"Are you OK with me staying here?" I asked. 

"I’m not OK with you being all dressed again," he answered. I took a deep breath. I still felt a bit unstable on my feet. 

"Come here," he demanded. I walked over to the bed, sat down, then lay down next to him. It was a funny situation, because we had shared beds before in the past - but not like this. In our early days, when neither of us had a lot of money, we’d always share a hotel room. But this now was totally different. Chris covered us up with his duvet and this sweet nervousness came back, because in a certain way sleeping next to each other is almost more intimate than sex itself.

"Who would’ve ever thought this," Chris said and chuckled. Then he put one arm around me and started stroking my shoulder, his head resting on his other hand. It was a very nice moment. 

"Can I say something cheesy?" I asked after a while. 

"Go on." 

"I’ve always been so afraid that _this_ would happen one day. Me being with a guy. But I am very glad it happened with you." 

Chris smiled. He ran his fingers through my hair, over my collarbone and shoulders and then leaned forward and kissed me. He smelled like peppermint. I moaned softly into his kiss, unconsciously pushing myself against his naked body again. 

"Don’t tell me you’re already up for a second go," he said. 

"No, it’s just… it feels good. You feel good."

He looked at me, then smiled again and rested his head between my head and my shoulder. His arms were still wrapped around me tightly. When I could hear his breath becoming slower and slower, I shut my eyes and I fell asleep.


	7. 7.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to figure out what both Neil and Chris feel for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I'm introducing two fictional characters: Matt and David. They're mine and are not based on anyone in particular. BUT I totally might have stolen their names from Matt Lucas and David Walliams, because they're awesome. And because I'm lazy and couldn't come up with any names for them. 
> 
> This chapter is very long but I could not really split it, as I thought everything that happens just sort of needs to happen to lead up to the final scene. So I hope you enjoy it!!

When I woke up it took me a moment to figure out where I was. And it took me at least a minute until I was sure I was not dreaming. Chris was still asleep next to me and he looked very innocent and peaceful. He was hugging his pillow and the duvet had slipped down, leaving his shoulders and most of his back uncovered. 

I looked at him for a while. It was a strange feeling looking at him, now that I knew how his skin felt, how it felt to kiss him and to sleep next to him. He was still the same guy I had known for so many years now, and yet I felt like I had not known him at all. 

I got up and sneaked out of the room, leaving the door ajar. I tip-toed downstairs, brushed my teeth and made coffee. When it was ready I filled it in two mugs, added sugar and milk and put them on a small tray, then I went upstairs again. 

Chris was awake when I entered the room and he looked surprised. "Oh," he said. "I, uhm, I almost thought you’d buggered off again." 

"Where should I go?" I answered. "I live here, too."

"Yeah," he said. "But when I woke up and you were gone I thought… I dunno. Sorry. Is that coffee?"

I nodded and sat down next to him. He took a mug and sipped the coffee. "Mhm," he uttered, as if this coffee was the best thing he had ever drunk in his life. "That’s very sweet of you." He smiled and he touched my shoulder, let his hand run down my arm and then rested his hand on mine. 

"No problem.“ I smiled back. 

"Oh, almost forgot," he said. "I got two of me mates coming over later. Did I tell you?"

"Oh, yeah, you told me last week," I answered. "I forgot about it. It’s Matt, right?"

"Yeah," Chris said. "And David, his boyfriend. I think you haven't met David. I met him when I was in Blackpool couple months ago." 

"OK."

"You wanna hang out with us later?"

"Yeah, sure," I said. Usually when one of us had friends coming over, the other one would just get on with his own stuff, unless the friends were mutual. He had never explicitly asked me before if I wanted to join him and his friends. 

He and Matthew first met while Chris studied architecture for a significantly short amount of time. They had a few lectures together but didn't become friends until they ran into each other at a gay club one night. Matt was one of the few people who didn't mind seeing his friend become famous and whenever he was near London, he came to visit. 

Chris looked pleased with my answer. 

"Well," he said then. "Quite a bit of time until they turn up." 

"What do you want to do?" I asked and he laughed. I possibly really am the most naive person on this planet. 

Chris put his mug away. „You still have so much to learn," he said. He pulled me closer and he kissed me, ran his hand through my hair and kissed my cheeks, my chin, nose, forehead and then my mouth again. I felt like I could kiss him for hours. 

He removed my t-shirt again and kissed my chest and his hands were already trying to get into my boxers. Now that we had crossed this line once he didn't seem to waste anymore time.  
Something in my head clicked. This was not the way I wanted it to be this time. With the women it always had been the same thing - usually I’d be on top and it always ended when I was done. It was not romantic in any way. Never had I done anything for them. But now I wanted to do something for Chris. I wanted to see him getting off again because of _me_. I wanted to touch him, explore his body, feel him. 

I got hold of both his wrists and it did surprise him. I pushed him down and then sat on top of him. This sudden change of position made him gasp. 

"Damn, Neil’," he said. "Not so shy now, are ye." 

I was still holding on to his wrists and I hadn't got a clue what to do next. "Shut up," I said. Then I bend down and kissed his neck, tasted his skin - soft and firm, but it was such a different feeling compared to kissing a woman. When I slightly bit into his skin, he moaned loudly and the sound of it made me shiver. Nothing had ever turned me on as much as him getting more and more turned on because of things I did. 

When I moved down a bit, I let go of his wrists and just rested my hands next to him. I didn't want to hurry. I wanted to do this right. When I started kissing his nipples, I could feel his cock twitch and get harder. And mine. But it did feel good to kiss his body and for a moment I asked myself how I ever could have possibly thought to be into women. I felt like I had finally found the missing piece of an incomplete puzzle. 

"Have you got the, uhm…," I asked and he knew what I meant and pointed to the upper drawer of his bedside table. He had a whole package of them in there. I got one out and actually managed to open it, even though my hands were slightly shaking. 

"You want me to do it?" he asked. I nodded. Nothing would have been more embarrassing than messing up the situation by not being able to put a condom on. Then I went back to kissing him and when I looked up I saw that he had closed his eyes again. He reached out with one hand and grabbed a handful of my hair, tangled his fingers in it. I kissed his stomach and I could hear his breath become faster when I was close to his cock. 

_You can’t do it_ , said an inner voice. _You can’t even look at it_. I ignored it. I wanted to do it. I closed my eyes and I carefully touched his cock with my tongue. A shiver went through him, so I did it again, all the way from the shaft to the top. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. Then I opened my mouth, covered my teeth with my lips and started sucking him. He groaned deeply and when I looked up I could see that he was holding on to one of the metal bars of the headpiece of his bed, and for some reason I found that incredibly sexy. 

It’s not that I could get his cock really deep into my mouth. Hardly an inch. It was such an unusual feeling and I was afraid that I’d gag if he went in any deeper, so I used my hand as well. But the longer I was doing it, the easier it got. Chris’s body became more and more stiff and his groans got louder and louder. One of his hands was still buried in my hair, the other one holding on to the metal bar. At some point I put my free hand on his butt and just slightly squeezed it. That sent him over the edge. When he came into my mouth I was quite grateful for the condom, but I could still feel it. I could also feel his muscles contract and he lifted his pelvis, pressing himself against me. 

"Ahhh," he said. "Holy fuck."

I sank into the pillow next to him and immediately he pulled me closer to him. I felt his hot breath on my skin. He hold my head in his hands, his hands on my temples and his forehead leaned against mine, and it gave me a feeling of being safe, which was fairly new. "What on earth just happened," he breathed. 

"Did you like it?"

"Are you _kiddin_ ’?" He laughed hysterically. "Fuck." Then he finally opened his eyes and looked at me. "You’re a natural talent." 

I smirked at him. 

"How about that," he said. "I think we should both shower before these people turn up, so…" He moved one hand up my leg and I gasped when he touched my erection. "Why don't we share a shower and… I’ll give you a hand with this?"  
And that’s what we did. While we were in the shower I allowed myself to let my eyes wander over his entire body, I wanted to take every inch of him in. Looking at him did something to me, which I had never experienced before - seeing his body made me want to touch it, feel it, hold it. But I still could not tell if that applied to men in general now, or only to him. 

———

His friends turned up at 2 pm. 

"You be discrete," I said. "They don't need to know about the last few days."

He did not have time to answer, because just after I’d said it, I opened the door and Matt greeted us exuberantly. 

"Soooo good to see you guys," he said. "It’s been ages." He kissed Chris on the cheek, left one first, then the right one, then he did the same to me. "Neil, you haven't met David before, have’ye. Neil, David, my other half."

"Nice to finally meet you," David said. He seemed a bit shy. 

"And you," I said and we shook hands. 

Chris asked them to come in and offered some drinks. When we sat down I was not sure whether Chris expected me to sit next to him or not, so I decided to sit on a chair instead of the sofa. I could feel the curious looks of Matt and David on me and I was really relieved when Chris came back with our tea. 

"Can I just say," stated David. "You guys can be so proud of yourselves. You’ve come so far. It’s really cool." 

"What are you doing for a living, anyway?" I asked, as I had no idea, and I didn't want to talk about work. 

"I’m an accountant," he answered. 

"That sounds quite cool, too," I said. 

"Don’t worry, Neil," David said. "Our jobs are a lot less cool than yours. It’s fine." He laughed. 

They started talking about people from Blackpool whom I didn’t know, so I hardly said anything and just studied the two of them carefully. While I was doing that, I asked myself, hypothetically, if I could find them attractive or not. 

Matt had light hair and was quite a tall and sturdy guy. He wore a hoodie like Chris and a The Smiths-t-shirt underneath, jeans and sneakers. The way he talked and his general appearance were what I’d usually describe as cool and laid-back. I could see why him and Chris were friends, they seemed to have a lot in common. David on the other hand was even slightly shorter than Chris and had brown hair. He was not really thin, but a bit scraggy and a rather slim type. He wore glasses, black and rectangular, and had quite a boyish face, at least I could not spot a hairline. I decided that, if at all, I would find Matt more attractive. _Oh my God_ , I thought then. _Do I have a type_?

"Hello?" I heard Chris’s voice suddenly and he waved his hand around in front of me. "Neil? Anyone at home?"

"Sorry," I said. "What was that?"

"Matt asked you if you are seeing anyone," Chris said. 

Why would he ask such a thing? I felt my face heating up. "Nope," I said. "Nobody at the moment. But I wouldn’t really have the time anyway." 

"What a shame," said Matt. "You shouldn't let your job keep you from having a relationship." I looked over to Chris, who just kept a straight face as if it was none of his business.

"Not to worry," I said. “I don't even know if I _want_ a relationship.“ I got up and excused myself for a minute. In the bathroom I splashed some cold water on my face, then I took a deep breath. Why would they be interested in me dating anyone anyway? Was it gay-thing to talk about relationships all the time? 

On my way back to the living room I stopped in the kitchen to get a glass of water. The door to the living room was open. 

"Has anything changed between you guys?" I heard Matt saying. "Come on, Chris, be honest.“

I hold my breath. 

Next thing I heard was Chris laughing. "No, nothin’," he said. 

"You seem different," Matt answered. "The two of you. I mean, you’ve always had this special chemistry between you, but… I dunno. Have you noticed that he keeps looking at you? I mean, you know my opinion. I’ve always thought you two would make a cute couple. Or is he still claiming he’s straight?"

I bit my tongue. 

"Oh, shut the fuck up," Chris said, chuckling. "I’m a fucking celebrity now, I won’t tell ye anything." 

"I was just wondering," Matt said. "I mean, I just remember when you first met him, all head over heels, but… that’s so long ago now. Just wanna know you’re OK."

"Honestly, Matthew," Chris answered and he sounded now a lot more serious. "It’s all good." 

What the hell was _head over heels_ supposed to mean? I took my drink and went back to the living room, so they couldn't talk about me anymore. 

"Did I miss anything interesting?" I asked innocently and I noticed that Chris avoided to look at me. I wished that Matt and David would leave. I needed to know what they had been talking about. 

They did not leave. Instead Chris suggested to go out together and they agreed. Going out together was the last thing I wanted to do but I also did not want them to go without me, because I had a feeling that they would constantly talk about me if I was not there. I suggested to go back to the club where Chris had taken me on our whatever-it-was-date and that’s what we did. 

Back in the club Chris got us drinks and we stood around one of the tables. I tried really hard to enjoy the evening, but I was feeling uncomfortable, so I just quietly drank my beer and occasionally looked around. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that Matt knew more about me and Chris than I knew myself. I had never thought that there was something I should know. Now I was not sure anymore. 

"That’s a cool place," David said. "If I lived here, I’d be here all the time."

"It’s nice to have a place where people don't care so much about who you are," I answered. 

"I bet. How did you find it?"

"Friend o’mine recommended it," Chris said. "And then I took Neil here the other day."

I saw Matt and Chris exchange a super quick, almost non-noticeable look, followed by a twitch in the corners of Matt’s mouth. Interviewing people for _Smash Hits_ for several years has taught me to spot even the smallest changes in one’s mimic or body language. I sipped my beer and waited. 

"Nice place for a date," Matt said. "I mean, generally speaking."

"It wasn't a date," I said a bit too fast. Chris was moving has beer from one hand into the other and didn't say anything. 

"Course not," Matt said. "I wouldn't date a dickhead like Chris either. But there are plenty of handsome chaps here." He looked around. "C’mon," he said, "is there anyone here you’d fancy?"

I knew that Chris was looking at me and I heard him clear his throat, but I didn't look back at him.

"You’re not reading the interviews," I said. “I don’t talk about my sex life. That’s what I’ve told at least 30 nosy journalists recently." I said it with a smile but it still sounded more snappish than I wanted it to sound. Matt shrugged his shoulders. 

"What a shame," he said. "I love talking about mine. Chris, c’mon. What’s yer choice tonight?" He grinned. 

"Looks like there’re only some ugly buggers around tonight," Chris answered. 

"You two are so boring," Matt stated. "Please, you guys. We’re in a at least 80% gay club, we’re among friends, and I’m drunk. Who shoved these sticks up yer arses?" 

"I’m actually curious, too," I said, looking at Chris. "Anyone here you fancy?" I could play their game too. If he could talk about me behind my back, I could definitely try to lure a statement out of him. 

"Don’t worry," he said with a sweet smile. "I’ll go home with you later, sweetie." 

Why did he have to be a sarcastic jerk all the time? Matt and David seemed to find it awfully funny. Under different circumstances I probably would have laughed, too. He had made these kind of jokes many times in the past, ever since I’d known him. But now everything was different. Now it wasn't just a joke. I didn't know what it was anymore or what I wanted it to be. I didn't even know if I had genuine feelings for Chris or if I was just blinded by this new side of him, all gentlemanly. Or what he wanted from me. 

"Mind you," Matt said to me. "That guy over there keeps looking at ye." He pointed to someone somewhere behind me with his head. I felt the strong urge to look, but I didn't. Chris did, though. Then he looked at me. 

"Looks like you have an admirer," he said without batting an eyelid. 

"You wanna go talk to him?" Matt asked. 

I opened my mouth but I couldn't get any words out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. A part of me wanted Chris to step up and say something like _Didn't you hear me, he’s going home with me and not some random bloke_ and get me out of this awkward situation. I wanted to know if he cared about it. 

"He looks good enough," said David. 

"Please," I said. “The media would be all over it. When you’re in the public eye you can’t just start questioning your sexuality without causing mayhem. Especially not at the age of… at my age. I’m not 20 anymore.“ 

"We’re just joking," Matt said. "Don’t worry. It’s a gay thing. We believe the whole world is gay sometimes. If you’re not, that’s fine. But a shame." 

"I had a feeling you weren't that straight recently," Chris said to his drink. I think he didn't intend to say it as loud as he did, but we all heard it. And all of a sudden we had the undivided attention of both Matt and David.

"Oh yeah?" I answered. "How come?"

"Just a few things you did or said," he answered. His face was a dare. 

"Ohhhh right," Matt said. "Come on then, spill the tea." 

"There isn't any tea to spill," I said. "I think I’m just getting tired of women. I’ve dated women for years now, until…"

„Until?“

I gulped, realising I was getting myself into a mess. „Nothing“, I said. 

„Hey, you had this song about picking up a guy in a club, right?“ David asked. “Was it called _I Want A Lover_?“

„It’s not about picking up a guy in particular“, I said. 

„What I’m saying“, David continued, „is, that you’re playing around with ambiguous lyrics in your songs. Which is why _It’s A Sin_ was such a big hit in the gay community. We’ve all had these thoughts at some point. So you already have a public image that is connected with the gay community. I don't think coming out would be a big deal, to be honest.“

„Well, Chris has never told the media he’s gay either“, I said. 

„I could“, he said. „But I love how they’re all guessing and racking their brains. And I’ve never questioned it. Before you tell the media, you should probably figure it out for yourself first.“ 

„God, gimme a break,“ I said. „It’s all your fault anyway.“ I took a large sip of my drink. I was getting myself deeper and deeper into a mess and I seriously needed to shut up.

Chris looked at me curiously. „What’s me fault?“

 _The fact that you look so handsome all of a sudden, the fact that you take me on a date which was supposed to be nothing but a game and then you kiss me, the fact that I want to kiss you again, the fact that your body feels so fucking good and the fact that you’ve apparently talked to Matt about me in the past, that’s all your fault_ , I thought. 

„Nothing. Sorry“, I said. 

"Oh well," Matt said. "But in case you do want to talk to this guy… lemme know. I’m an excellent wingman. Right Chris?“ He chuckled, but Chris kept his pokerface on and just nodded. 

Eventually the conversation moved away from me and when they played _The Great Commandment_ by Camouflage, Matt and David headed to the little dance floor, finally leaving Chris and me on our own. 

"Are you OK?" he asked me. 

"Yeah," I said, sipping my beer. 

"Look, it’s fine if you don't want them to know about our… about last night, but… I mean, I know Matt talks a lot of nonsense." He paused. "Have I done anything wrong?" he asked then. 

"No, no," I said quickly. "God, no." 

"OK," he answered. "Hey, if you’d rather go home, I’ll tell them we’re off." 

"It’s fine," I said. 

"I really didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." 

"It’s _fine_ , Chris," I said again and sounded quite harsh this time, which I immediately regretted. It was all too much - the whatever-it-was-thing between Chris and me, the conversation I had overheard earlier and the whole interrogation in the club. Everything had felt great and easy in the morning, and now it didn’t. 

"Well," he said. "I’ll just go to the toilet. I’ll be back in a minute." And away he went. 

I looked around and regretted I had sounded rude. Maybe I would tell him that I’d rather go home once he was back. 

"Hi," said someone out of the blue. I looked up and realised that a stranger had walked up to my table. 

"Hi," I said. What was happening?

"I was wondering if you would like a drink," said the stranger. He was wearing tight white pants, a black tank top and he had a big shiny buckle on his belt. I didn't want to stare at it for too long, so I could not figure out what it was. I looked at my beer. It was actually empty.

"Are you suggesting to buy me a drink?" I asked.

He smiled. "Yeah," he answered.

I looked around. Chris was nowhere to be seen. 

"One of them?" He pointed at my empty bottle. I did not answer. He smiled again, took my empty bottle and then returned with two full ones. I was actually surprised.

"Thank you," I said. 

"Was the other guy your boyfriend?" 

It took me a moment to realise that he was talking about Chris. "No," I said and then, "I don’t know."

"Oh, right," he said. "Well, if he is, he’s one lucky bugger." 

"He’s an idiot," I said. I didn’t really know why I said it, it was just what was going through my mind. 

"You come here often?"

"Not really," I answered. "Well, maybe I will in the future." 

"Well, maybe I’ll see you again then," he said with a smile. Was he flirting with me? Where the hell was Chris?

"Possibly," I answered and took a sip of my beer. 

"I gotta go back to my mates," he said. Then he took a pen out of his pocket and wrote something on a coaster. "If you come to the conclusion he’s not your boyfriend…," he said, smiled at me again, and then disappeared in the crowd. I looked at the coaster and realised that he had given me his telephone number. 

"Everythin’ alright ’ere?" I heard Chris’s voice behind me. I turned around. He looked at me suspiciously. 

"Absolutely," I said.

"Who was that?"

"I don’t know."

"That his number?"

"I guess so." 

Chris looked at me and his face was colder than ice. And in that very moment, Matt and David also returned. The timing could not have been worse. 

"A great place," David said. "Such a shame we live so far away." 

"You guys OK?" Matt asked. 

"Actually, we are going to go home," Chris answered. "Aren’t we. Unless you wanna go home with somebody else." He glared at me. 

"I don’t know what you are talking about, Christopher," I said. I used his full name because I knew how much he hated that. 

"Well, I guess David and I are going to stay for a while," Matt said. "Our hotel’s actually not far. Take care going home, boys." They both gave us a hug and headed back to the dance floor. I followed Chris outside and we took a taxi home. 

All the way home we didn't speak. When we got in, he hardly looked at me. He took his shoes off, threw his jacket on a chair and went to the kitchen. I could hear him open the fridge, then the sound of a bottle being opened. When I entered the kitchen he leaned against the counter, a beer in his hand. "What the hell, Chris," I said. He did not react. 

"What is this all about?" I said, louder this time. Now he looked at me. And he actually smiled, but it was false. "Sorry," he said. "It’s alright. We never said we had an exclusive contract, did we."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. 

"Well, I guess I didn’t expect you to chat up someone so quickly after our date." He formed some quotation marks with his fingers around the last word. 

"Are you being serious? I did not chat him up. He came and talked to me."

"He gave you his bloody number."

"And? I’m not planning to call him or anything." I could feel myself getting angry. 

"Well, it’s me own fault, I guess," he said then. "Should’ve never done this whole date thing with _you_." 

"Are you jealous?" I asked.

"I’m not jealous," he said. "You can do whatever the fuck you want." 

"Well, I did not want to talk to him," I answered. "You left me standing there. Where were you anyway?" 

" _Ten_ bloody minutes. If you wanna know, I needed some fresh air, because you were acting all weird. I mean it’s fine if you don't want them to know, but… you sounded like you regretted it and whatever."

"Maybe because I just don't have a clue what the hell’s going on," I said. 

"OK," Chris said, "forget about it. We’re good. Obviously I don't own ye and I’m not gonna keep ye from chatting up guys, if that’s what ye wanna do."

"I don’t understand why this upsets you so much," I said. "I mean, haven't you done this for years? Chatting up guys in clubs?"

He put his bottle away and finally looked at me. "Did it ever occur to you that I might have done that because the one person I really, _really_ liked was out of reach?" he said and his voice was shaking. "Because, unfortunately, I’m a silly idiot and the person I liked was trying to become the straightest guy of the fucking century." He laughed sarcastically. "Told ye, dating is a frustrating business. And if someone you like doesn't like you that way, you go find someone else. You actually forget about yer feelings and everything is great. And then suddenly this other person decides to be not out of reach anymore. And I am still stupid enough to think that there might be a chance." 

"What the hell are you saying?" I asked. 

"I’m sayin’ that you are a fuckin’ idiot." 

"Chris, for fuck’s sake," I said, seriously annoyed by now. "Why is it, all of a sudden, such a big deal to you that I talked to somebody else?" 

"Because I _love_ you, goddammit," he shouted. 

I stared at him. After he had said it, he looked away and inhaled deeply, then grabbed his bottle again and drank. The words didn’t make any sense. 

_What the fuck did you just say_ , was what I wanted to say, but instead I said: "I beg your pardon?"

He snorted. "Oh God, Neil, do you know how bloody poofy that sounded?" he cried. He was actually laughing. "I beg yer paaaaarden." 

"You’re a jerk," I said. 

"Fuck ye, Neil." He took another sip. 

I took a deep breath.

"Well, now ye know," he said, still chuckling. And I didn’t know what to do. I felt extremely helpless. How could he love me? 

"Since when?" I asked. 

"Remember that day when we met?"

"Yeah."

He nodded. 

" _Nine_ years?" I asked. "Chris, I… I had no clue."

"You bloody had not," he said. "Well, don’t think I’ve been yearning for ye constantly for nine years now like some silly teenager. Can’t deny I had quite a crush on you. But then you were, well, convincing the whole world you were into women. So why bothering. As I said, I forgot about it. You denied that you were into men and I accepted that. It was fine to be friends and make music, so it was all good. Until last Saturday. Really thought I was over it and I’d give you the ultimate date experience and then you could go out with some bloke. But then you’re all, y’know, you again, and suddenly I felt like I felt 9 fuckin’ years ago… got carried away, I suppose.“ 

I was lost for words. But I suddenly understood what Matt had been talking about when he said _head over heels_ and _is he still claiming he’s straight_.

"I’m sorry," I said. I didn't know what I was actually sorry for. 

"Don’t be," he answered. "Not yer fault."

"So, in this shop, back then, when we met… were you trying to…" 

"Remember what I said to you?"

"You said something like _I would like to see your synthesiser_ or something," I said. 

He grinned. "Best chat-up line ever, innit."

I still stood there and could not believe any of it. Neither of us said anything for a while. 

"This was not supposed to happen," I said eventually. "We said dating was not going to affect our friendship. Now we are fighting."

"We ain’t fighting," Chris answered. "Look. After nine years you suddenly decide to be gay, or whatever you are. Don’t you think that is also confusing for me? And then all these things happen. This date-thing turns into a sex-thing and that’s when things get complicated. And when I saw you talking to this bloke, I realised that I don’t like the idea of you dating anyone else. I never cared about the girls, really, because I couldn't compete with anyone without a dick. But this is different. And there are plenty of guys out there who might be interested in you. And if you wanna see someone else, go ahead. I’ll still be yer friend and all. Not gonna be in yer way. I just don't like it, but I’ll get over it, alright? BUT, if anyone ever breaks yer heart, I’ll break his bones." He tried to laugh but it sounded pathetic. 

The last sentence went straight to my heart and it felt like a stab. I felt tears building up in my eyes and all I could think was that I never, ever, wanted to lose him, however our relationship would evolve. Finally I found the courage and strength to walk over to him. Without another thought I put my arms around him and pressed him against me and slowly ran my hands over his back. I heard him sniffle. 

"Are you crying?" I asked. "I’m not," was the answer, but I wasn’t sure about it. I had never seen him crying before and I felt a huge wave of affection for him. 

"Someone I know said something to me once," I said after a while. "Wanna know what?"

"Mhm." 

"He said _There’s lots of opportunities. If you know how to take them_. I think it became a pretty cool song, too." 

"What the hell yer talkin’ about," Chris mumbled into my t-shirt. 

"Maybe this here is an opportunity for us to… I don’t know. I can’t foresee the future."

He freed himself from my hug. "What?"

"I cannot tell you that I love you too, right now," I said. "Because I don’t know how it feels to really love someone. But we could just take it from here and see where we end up. Like with the music. When we had the opportunity to record the first demo, did you think _I won’t do it, because we could fail_? No. We did it anyway. Who knows what we will do in two, five, ten years? It’s not written in stone. But still, we decided to proceed, no matter how things might go. We could totally have failed. We could do the same with, you know, us. We might fail, or we might not." 

He studied my face very carefully. Slowly, very slowly, he raised one hand and removed some hair from my forehead. 

"You sure that’s what you want?"

"Let’s just find out together what we want," I answered. 

"Sounds like a good idea, I guess," he said. 

I smiled. "So, can I kiss you now, or…"

He gave me quite a hard punch on the shoulder. 

"Ouch! Damn, Chris!"

"You really are a fuckin’ idiot," he said and then he kissed me and it felt like he planned to never ever let go again.


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month after their first date, Neil takes the initiative to go another step further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mainly added this because I felt without this chapter the whole story would end a bit anticlimactic (in several ways). I really hope you guys will enjoy reading this last chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!

_London. One month later._

We had been busy. We spent an awful lot of time in the studio, recording, brainstorming. We also spent a lot of time being interviewed, we were on the covers of different magazines and appeared on several talk shows. There were many evenings we’d come home late, order a pizza and fall asleep on the sofa before it actually got delivered. I’m sure the pizza delivery guy hated us. But in general, things were great - relating to both our work and _us_ , this new _us_ that we had created since Chris had asked me out on a date. When we were not either eating or sleeping, we also spent quite a lot of time in bed with each other. Each time we were getting more comfortable and it was thrilling to find out about the other one’s favourite things to do. Like, for example, I had discovered that Chris had a very sensitive spot on his back and if I ever wanted him to stop talking, I just had to rub this particular spot between his shoulder blades and he would melt away. 

One month had passed since our fake date, our second date and Chris’s sort of accidental confession about his feelings for me. He hadn't said it again ever since. After this conversation we had decided to come up with some rules, as we had done when we moved in together. One of the rules was that as long as we were still figuring out what was actually going on between us, neither of us was to flirt with other guys. We sort of had what Chris called an _exclusive contract_ , but we didn't really consider us a couple. At least none of us ever said it. And as we saw each other every day anyway, nothing had actually changed, apart from the fact that I hardly slept in my own bed anymore. 

We both wanted to go slow. While I didn't want anyone to find out about this component of our relationship and sometimes didn't even dare to look at Chris when we were in public, Chris was still worried that I’d be gone if he did anything wrong. Or that some handsome chap in a club would come and chat me up. In a certain way that was good, because he never pushed me to do anything I didn’t feel ready for and he was always being a gentleman, more than ever before - he would even make breakfast for me sometimes. And I cannot deny that he made me feel quite special. But he also never tried to go a step further, and I didn’t dare to. So we got a bit stuck. 

One day in late September Chris went out for the day, meeting some of his relatives, while I stayed back home. I had been thinking about this day for some time. While he was away I prepared the kitchen and dining area the same way I had done it a month ago - a candle, lasagna, a bottle of wine and an awful lot of cleaning and tidying up. Before he got home, I put on some nice clothes, similar to what I had worn on our second date, only that I opened the first, second and third button of my shirt this time. I had not forgotten about what he had taught me.   
He immediately noticed that something was going on when he came in. 

"Wow, look at you," he said when I opened the door. He gave me a kiss. It had become such a wonderfully natural thing to kiss him. 

"What’s the occasion?"

"Nothing," I answered. "Just that things have been really good recently, haven’t they. Thought we celebrate a bit." 

He smiled. "Sounds good." 

While we were eating I kept looking at him. I had never known how exciting it could be to just look at someone, knowing exactly what would happen at some point after dinner. The time when neither of us had known what was going on had been great, too, in a way. Despite all my anxiety. You have all this excitement about what _could_ happen. But this now was _a lot_ better. We could built up tension over the whole evening between us and then, when we could not stand it any longer, release it. I remembered the time when I had not been able to imagine him being naked and now I could picture almost every inch of him. Retrospectively it seemed unbelievable how much had happened in only five weeks. 

"Have you got these chocolaty strawberry things you made last time?," Chris asked after we finished our meal. 

"I’m afraid not," I said. "I’ve got something else planned for dessert."

The corners of his mouth twitched. "Alright," he said. "But a bit of a shame, too. They were bloody good."

We put the plates away and I filled up our glasses with wine again. "Cheers," I said, clinging my glass against his. 

"Cheers," he said. He did not take his eyes off me for a second. I still could hardly believe that he could make me want him so much, only with a look. I had looked at other men, in clubs or on the street, asking myself if I wanted to have sex with any of them. Hypothetically, to find out what I wanted and if it was him I wanted or just a man in general. But I did not fancy anybody like I fancied Chris. Nobody else could make me feel weak in the knees with nothing but a look. And I still wasn't sure how he had looked at me so many times before during the last nine years and I had never really seen him. 

"So, what’s up for dessert?," he asked after a while, an expectant smile on his lips. Oh, his lips. 

I put my glass away. Then I walked over to him, took his glass out of his hand and put it on the table. I put my hands on his belt and pulled him towards me and I kissed him, touched his lips with my tongue and he opened his mouth hungrily. He put his arms around me and held me close and I moaned into his kiss, letting my hands slide into the back pockets of his jeans. When I gave his butt a light squeeze he smiled against my lips. 

We went upstairs. As soon as we were lying on the bed, he started unbuttoning my shirt, trying to open my jeans with the other hand. It had almost always been like that during the last few weeks - once we got to bed, we were already so turned on that we would just get each other off as quick as possible. But that day, when he opened my shirt and started to go down on me, I told him to stop. 

"Chris, wait," I said. My voice was husky. I sat up and so did he, looking a bit worried. 

"Did I…"

I shook my head. He always asked me to tell him what I liked and what I wanted him to do and I found it awfully difficult, but now I had to. So I leaned forward and started kissing his neck, making my way up to his ear. The only way I could possibly tell him what I wanted was to whisper it in his ear. 

"I want you," I breathed against his skin. "Like I really… _want… you_." 

I knew that he wanted to do it. But he had never tried to make me do it. He had actually explained to me how I could prepare myself for it (probably the most unromantic conversation we ever had and I couldn't look at him for at least two hours afterwards) and we had tried it carefully with one finger or two. But not the real thing. I knew that I liked it when he used one or two fingers inside me while giving head. But now I wanted all of him.

"Oh," Chris said and he sounded surprised. "Oh, yeah, OK…“ He was stroking my back with one hand and he let it wander down to my waist and over my legs, all the way to my knees and then up my thighs again. When he reached the zip of my jeans he let his hand rest there. Then he looked at me. 

"You sure?"

"Totally." 

He smiled. For a moment his eyes wandered over my body and I believed to see a sparkle in them. He continued what he had already started and unbuttoned my shirt, kissing my chest at the same time, but now he was a lot slower and more devoted. I slipped my hands under his t-shirt and he lifted his arms up so I could pull it over his head. We settled into a passionate kiss again and for a while that was all we did, he kissed my lips and my face and my neck with wild lust and his hands were everywhere. The air around us was hot and filled with tension. 

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me down, very gently, until I was lying next to him, and he kissed my shoulders, as if he wanted to make sure to touch every last inch of me with his lips. Then he opened my jeans, pulled them down a bit and kissed my hip bones. I closed my eyes. He spent an awful long time kissing my hips, knowing that it would drive me nuts. His slow and soft kisses were enough to make me hard and with every second passing, I wanted him even more. Then he stopped, and I gasped. 

„Be right back," he whispered. I heard him opening the drawer where he kept the condoms and the lube. So it was really happening. While he was fumbling around with the rubber I took my jeans and underwear off, then I lay down again, watching him while he took his remaining clothes off. 

The next thing I felt was him on top of me, his naked body pressed against mine. I bent my legs and he knelt between them. The feeling of him slowly grinding against me made me groan loudly and I put my hands on his butt to push him closer. He had done this before and I preferred it a lot to blowjobs, because I could look at his face when he’d reach his climax. Besides, the feeling of his body pressed against mine, skin on skin, had made me come harder than anything else ever before.

Chris moved one hand down my leg and stroked my inner thighs. The gentleness of his touch was incredible. He touched me like he was afraid to break me. 

"Just relax," he said. "I’ll look after ye.“ 

When he entered me with one finger, I gasped. He kissed my neck again, slightly biting into my skin, then my ear. A second finger followed. I put my arms around him. There was hardly any room between us. His skin was hot and sweaty and I wanted to pull him even closer than he already was. 

He removed his fingers again. Instead he started softly stroking my hard cock with one finger and he did that for a while, so my brain would turn itself off, which it did. I had no idea anymore what was happening or what he was doing. 

But nothing had actually prepared me for the feeling of his cock inside me, though. My first thought was that my body would just reject him again. It was impossible. 

A sound, something between pain and pleasure and surprise, left my mouth and Chris immediately froze and stopped moving. 

"You OK?" he asked. 

I could not answer. I took a deep breath and felt myself relaxing again a bit. "Just go slowly," I said, my fingers clawed into his shoulders. He nodded. I could feel him move a little bit and the feeling was overwhelming. He was inside me. We were one.

He continued kissing me and at the same time he slowly moved his hand over my cock. When he felt that I relaxed a bit more, he started moving again. It felt like he was filling me out completely. I forgot about everything and completely let go. My brain was overtaken by lust. I didn’t even care anymore if I was being loud or not, I usually wasn’t overly noisy. Now I probably entertained the whole neighbourhood. 

Chris had found a rhythm and was slowly moving himself inside me. And then, all of a sudden, he hit a magical spot. I cried out. Whatever he had done, I needed him to do it again. So I put both of my hands on his butt and I pushed him against me. I heard him groan loudly when I did and he clenched his fingers around a corner of the pillow.

"Chris, please," I wheezed. It was totally out of context, I didn't even know why I said it. His movements had become slightly faster and every time he hit this one particular spot, I thought I was going to explode. 

Then, suddenly, he stopped. I opened my eyes. He was breathing heavily and I realised that he was holding back his orgasm. 

"You… tell me when ye…," he said with a trembling voice. I got hold of his wrist and pushed his hand back to my cock. I was already very close. He started moving his hand and it really did not take long to get me right to the edge. When I could feel that I was ready to come, I put my hands back on his butt and I did not need to tell him anymore. I forced myself to open my eyes, I wanted to see his face. His eyes were shut and his mouth was open, he was biting his lip, only letting out sweet little cries of pleasure. He thrusted into me again, two, three times, and we almost came simultaneously. Just before he came he looked at me and our eyes met, which intensified the feeling, if that was even possible. My fingernails left scratch marks on his back and butt when I reached my climax and my body still trembled after it was all over. Chris, meanwhile, collapsed on top of me. 

There were many things I wanted to say, but my brain was not completely functioning. So I just said the first words which popped up on my mind. 

"I love you," I said, totally out of breath. "Chris, I love you." 

Chris looked at me. "…what did’ye just say?" 

I opened my eyes, slowly realising what I had done. "I said I love you," I said again. 

"Neil…" He was lost for words. Chris Lowe was lost for words. 

"I don’t know where that came from," I said. "But it’s true, I guess." I actually had thought it a few times. Now I had finally said it. 

"Does that mean you want…"

"Get married, have kids, have a dog, have matching pyjamas?," I interrupted him. "No. Don’t worry." 

He laughed. "Thank God." 

"I like dogs, though." 

"You idiot." 

"I just want _this_ ," I said. "What we have. Make music. Be with you. That’s all. _You_. Nobody else. The only thing I don't want is this to become public at the moment. Maybe never."

"OK," Chris said. "I can live with that." He let his fingers dance over my shoulder, down my arm and when he reached my hand he tangled his fingers around mine and hold my hand tightly in his own. 

"You were right," I said then. "About what you said about dating. It’s worth it when you find someone special. You’ve always been special to me, Chris." 

"Just took ye nine bloody years to notice," he said. 

"Oh, you’ll never let this go, will you.“ 

"Wouldn’t it be the most hilarious thing if people in, like, 30 years would still wonder if there was something going on between us or not?," he said. "I mean, the rumours are there anyway."

"30 years is a very long time." I honestly could not imagine that people would even still know who we were in 30 years. I mean, we’d be _old_. 

"You never know." He grinned. "Imagine that. People will be like _There must be something_ and we’ll be like _Nope, we’re just ever so mysterious._ " 

"I’ll take your word for it," I said. 

He looked into my eyes and he smiled, his beautiful smile that he doesn't show often enough. "I love you too, Neil," he said. It was the first time he said it after our messed up kitchen conversation. But this time hearing it was not confusing. It felt incredibly settling and like coming home after a long time away. 

"Sorry it took me so long," I answered. 

"Wanna know what I also love?"

"What’s that."

"I love the fact that after all these years I was right, after all," Chris said. "When I saw you in that shop I _knew_ you were a faggot." 

"You’re a bloody prick," I said. 

"I love you, dumbass."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! I cannot believe that I actually finished this story, but I am SO SO SO happy that you guys appreciated it!! Can't even begin to tell you.   
> THANK YOU to everyone who read all of it. I'm so happy I decided to upload this here - not only because the response was more than I ever would have expected, but I also met some great new friends here. (Here's to you guys! Thank you so much for your support <3)
> 
> I LOVED writing this. Even though it is totally not canon, apart from some scenes like sharing food in a restaurant - but I think it doesn't matter. It's fiction.   
> I would love to hear your thoughts about it, as it helps me so much to improve my writing! See you next time :D


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